I Was Taught to Keep it All Inside

Provided by CP from Papagni Pages   

   I’ve been on an honesty kick for a long time and it doesn’t always work for me.


Up against a wall

   You hear a lot about gay people “coming out” these days. There are many incredible stories; each unique and compelling. Mine is no different — act straight, marry, keep it from the boss, tell your sister first; she of course tells you she already knew and so it goes. What you don’t hear is that when you’re gay, you don’t come out once, you come out again and again . . . and again.

   Allow me to explain. I’m at a fundraiser sitting at a table with eight strangers. They have no idea who I am, where I am from, and what I do for a living — let alone know about my sexual orientation. To be polite, we all make small talk. If I bring a female friend, she is automatically my wife. I am not being critical mind you, it’s a reasonable assumption. So one of the first comments is, “So how long have you two been together?” or “Do you have any children?” I’m wondering to myself whether or not to tell the truth. If I stay silent or play along with the charade, am I doing a disservice to all gays and lesbians? We fought long and hard to be out and proud; if I stay silent, I am complicit?

   When I am honest with people I sometimes get these reactions:

“You don’t look gay.”

“I had no idea.”

“But you act so straight!” (Having worked so hard at acting straight in my teens and 20’s, this is my personal favorite.)

“If you were married to a woman, you must be bisexual.”

“Are you the man or the woman in a relationship?”

   I have learned over the years that people can say some fairly stupid and insensitive things without intentionally meaning to offend. I either nervously chuckle or ignore the comment. Either reaction is not very honest, is it? What I would like to say is, “Now that you’ve made your bias clear, tell me what you really think about gay people?”

   Let’s put it out there, have some dialogue. But, I don’t say what I’m thinking, I keep my mouth shut, remain silent and hope that the moment passes quickly. I do this because it’s what I was taught to do since I was old enough to comprehend life lessons. Adults teach children to keep the truth inside:

  • to spare the hurt feelings of others;
  • to keep them out of trouble;
  • to keep them safe;
  • to keep children from sharing the truth about their parent’s lives (i.e., what happens in this family, stays with this family);
  • it’s the “norm;” that’s how we’ve always done it.

   I hid the truth until I was 28 years old; up until that point I worked hard to hide who I was from myself and everyone else.

   Being honest, telling the truth, telling the whole truth, speaking your mind, sharing secrets, whistle blowing, and so on. They’re not the same things are they? Everyone seems to define “truth” differently these days. So when someone tells you that they are telling the truth, what exactly does that mean?

The Truth Can be Painful and Consequences Can be Real

   Having made a conscious effort to be honest has been fairly difficult at times. People say that they want to hear the truth when in fact, they cannot handle the truth. I acknowledge that my truth may not be someone else’s truth — for example, politics:  I may believe that our current administration is corrupt and dangerous and others might believe that it’s the best leadership we’ve had in a long time. This is a difficult debate because one will argue the facts which are fairly skewed these days, depending on the reporting. This kind of truth aside, deciding to share the truth with someone can put both parties in a difficult position. The truth can do irreparable damage and that is something you may have to live with. I don’t believe examples are necessary since most people have experienced what I am referring to.

   Many of us make a conscious decision to keep the truth to ourselves in order to keep the peace.  The problem with this decision is that individuals who need to be told they have an alcohol problem, or that they are being psychologically abused or that their severe weight problem is killing them, will continue to talk themselves into a lie. I have a friend who told me that her doctor told her that it is better for her to smoke cigarettes because if she quits she might have a nervous breakdown. She’s told herself this lie so many times, she actually believes that it’s true.

Coming to Terms with the Truth you Tell Yourself

   A few years ago I found myself in a toxic work environment. Telling ourselves we are no longer happy at work; I believe it is one of the most common truths we may have to tell ourselves. It’s very easy to become comfortable and feel safe in a toxic environment; after all, it’s all you know and the alternative might be too frightening to face.

   Once you are able and willing to be honest with yourself about your career or work environment, change needs to happen and the old adage that “change is good” will prove true once again.

   There are many truths we keep from ourselves:  failing health, toxic relationships, financial ruin, alcohol or drug abuse, missed opportunities, why having an affair is hurting many people, etc. Facing any and all of these life issues can be challenging; however, failure to do so will only mean future problems that may end up being insurmountable.

My Future and How I Intend to Deal with Truth

   One of the reasons for moving overseas was to find truth. Life for me was becoming mundane and way too simple; I was choosing the path of least resistance nearly every time. I’m not referring to seeking the truth about our existence, what I’m trying to find is my on truth:  who am I, what am I looking for, and how do I find it?

   I am aware that these are big questions and finding the answers is a lifelong journey. I believe the answers lie in self-reflection, self-assessment and shaking things up. Looking in the mirror can be difficult. If you look hard enough, you might see the truth. So many are reluctant to look because they’re afraid of what they might find. I’m not so much afraid as I am concerned. I’m concerned that I will not be able to change what I don’t like. For example, I learned awhile back that I can be unfairly critical. I can hold people to a standard that is unrealistic and unfair. I don’t like this one bit. The question is, can I change it? I’m not sure that I can, but I have made a commitment to try.

Other lies I tell myself:

  • One more cocktail won’t hurt you;
  • You can leave your bicycle helmet home this one time;
  • It’s better not to put yourself out there because men are all slime buckets;
  • Trump will definitely be impeached;
  • You don’t have to cover your head from the sun;
  • You can eat whatever you want and work it off.

   Being open about these lies is a good first step; it’s time to face them. My friends and family tell me I’m too hard on myself. I believe it’s an easy out — I don’t want to face my shit so I’d prefer you didn’t face yours. I’ll have none of that:  “the truth shall set me free” (to paraphrase the bible and that may be a first for me).


   Tattoo on my forearm is the Chinese word for TRUTH. I had the word tattooed in this location as a constant reminder.

18 thoughts on “I Was Taught to Keep it All Inside

  1. Thank you for reposting my blog. Many of my friends and family read this post and contacted me privately. It stirred a lot of emotions and initiated several difficult, but necessary, conversations. It’s always better to be honest.

  2. Great post! I agree, we must shine a light on our whole self- the good choices, the bad choices. Self truth can be healing. Accepting the shadow within myself was one of the best things I have ever done. The shadow meaning- behaviors or choices made by yourself that are negative or hurtful to yourself or others. The shadow is part of you, it makes you a whole person. “I accept all of myself. I love myself.” Accept your shadow, love your shadow, but then don’t focus on the shadow. Don’t give it power. Peace and Light dear soul.

  3. *hugs*
    I hear you; on a lot of different levels. Being told to keep it all inside, to maintain the peace, was the unspoken mantra of my family. It has created generations of disfunction, pain and mental illness.

    The truth is, it is acceptable (whether or not people like it is another story) to say “I don’t care to discuss my orientation/politics/faith/favorite color with you”. It’s a quick way to slim down who you actually want to spend time with. Someone who says “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be crass” or the like is likely to be someone you can, at some point have that discussion with. The person who keeps asking “Why?” like a three year old, is, well… a three year old in mentality.

    Sending you only the best!

  4. Some of this resonates with me. My truth has always been that I’m losing my gearing but I constantly pretended to be of ‘normal’, like staying inside my box. Denial. Deny my truth for t of

    1. Sorry…for fear of many things including your list.

      It’s challenging to ‘come out’ and basically not give hoot what others think, and to be true to oneself.

  5. Hey, CP, I’m glad you finally started publishing some of your stuff here. I told Bogdan about your writing weeks ago and suggested that he approach you. I don’t know if that happened or not, but I’m glad you’re here now!

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