In our post industrial, feminist world, its not as clear a it used to be what a man is or what he should be. We live in a world, in which feminist groups often associate man’s masculinity with ‘tyranny’ and as a result believe in degrading men’s masculinity.
Centuries ago, a mans duty was power and protection. Decades ago, it was to work and provide. But now, we’re not quite sure. We’re either the first or second generation of men to grow up without a clear definition of what our social roles are meant to be or some sort of guide that shows how to be a strong and attractive man.
With this article I’d like to bring all men, or people in general I guess, a little closer to understanding what being an attractive man of integrity, maturity, and masculinity looks like.
Now, before I go and tell you whats on my mind, I’d like to emphasise that I certainly cannot go through ALL the important aspects of what I believe it takes to be an attractive and mature man, but I will try to give you a rough overview with some key features in as little as I can write here.
From an evolutionary standpoint, men and woman used to live in tribes. For the the sake of this example, let’s a take a somewhat realistic scenario of 20 men, all hunter gathereres.
Some of the men in the tribe are constantly reactive to what the other men tell them. They don’t admit faults. They change their behavior and what they say to win the approval of the other men. When something doesn’t go their way, they look to blame someone else. What would this say about their status in their tribe? If they’re basing all of their behavior on the approval of the other men and are constantly covering for their weaknesses, it says that they’re low status, not trustworthy, needy, and probably not going to be a dependable father.
Now imagine other men in the same tribe who are unfazed by the neediness or temper tantrums of the other men around them. They focus purely on their task at hand and don’t change their behavior based on what others think of them. When challenged, they stand up for themselves, but when wrong they also admit their fault, as they see no reason to hide their weakness. They have a sense of honor. They don’t react to any of the other men around them, rather, the other men react to him.
Clearly, the latter implies a man of high status. It implies a man who is likely to be dependable father, take care of his family, and is non-needy.
My belief is, is that masculinity and being an attractive man is grounded, not in the physical looks, but much more in his behavior. To be more specific, its his abilty to be non-needy.
Neediness vs. non-neediness
A mans attractiveness is proportional to how needy he is. The less needy (i.e. more non-needy), the more attractive he will be to woman on average. The same goes the other way around.
Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others perceptions of him, than his perceptions of himself. His actions and words will therefore primarily be motivated by impressing and winning approval by others.
Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority of perception of himself than the perception of others. His actions and words are therefore motivated by embodying his own values and desires.
To be non-needy, is being more attractive in every way. Being non-needy defines and resonates in everything a man says and does. The way he stands, smiles, the way he tells jokes, the jacket he wears, the car he drives etc.
You know when woman sometimes say he just has IT! – in case you were always wondering what they mean, they are referring to a mans non-neediness.
Paradoxically, a mans lack of need for attention and admiration, is itself a magnet for attention and admiration, and ulimatley, the key to being more attractive.
Non-neediness is when a man is comfortable with knowing that some people may not like him, may not agree with him, or may not resonate with him.
A needy man however, is constantly investing in the perceptions others have in him. He is being extra nice and friendly when he actually doesn’t want to be, because he believes he MUST do this in order to be liked, loved, or be attractive. Needy men, also come up with fake compliments and BS stories because they think it will make them a badass and get more woman to go into bed with them.
Sure, a non-needy man may also give a woman compliments, and say stuff that she may like. But he doesn’t do so with the purpose of impressing her. He does it, because he means it.
You see, neediness and non-neediness differ in one core thing.
A man who is non-needy has the intention of saying or doing things, because he actually believes in saying or doing them. He is honest in everything he does, and genuinley means what he says.
The needy man, does things with the intention of gaining outside approval, as he has a greater investment in the perceptions others have of him, than the perception he has of himself.
I believe in order to be an attractive man, the key thing is to be non-needy. To be honest, not be afraid of sharing your opinion, jokes, or making yourself vulnerable. Simply said, to be yourself.
What do you think?
17 thoughts on “How To Be An Attractive Man”
Hello , thank you for sharing this . I have seen different kind of men , some are dependent others are independent. Same as women. Would you say independence is masculine and dependent is feminine . I know that the pride of a man is in his pocket but when a man meets an independent woman he should know that his money does not make him attractive to her . I feel that a what is attractive in a man is his ability to control , be of discipline and show affection . what I find attractive in men is their honesty , loyalty , ability to communicate , dress sense , if they can trust worthy and loyal . I also feel a man is both masculine and feminine and showing both side of his qulatites makes him attractive
Yes, honesty, loyalty, communication etc. are all highly valuable traits.
Money also makes a man more attractive as it (usually) implies high status. Money is therefore another contributing factor to attractiveness. However, there are always individual differences in terms of what woman place value on.
It is also noteworthy that very often, for example, men who require external approval to increase their self-esteem also end up saying woman who do the same. The same goes for narcissistic men, who often date narcissistic woman.
Regarding independence/dependence point, I believe every man should be independent and have the resilience to stand on his own feet, live life on his own terms, and have clear defined personal boundaries.
Surely, when being in a romantic relationship, there will always be a little bit of dependence. That’s normal. But at the end of the day, every man has to define for himself what he believes a man should be. This is only my opinion.
OK thank you for giving me a better understanding
OK thank you giving me a better understanding
Great post showcasing that what makes a man attractive will always be the same. Honesty, consideration of others, cleanliness, hard working, punctual, loving, kind, warm, attentive, a conversationalist, intelligent, well dressed, looks after himself, his house, car etc.
Being a pretentious person is one of the least attractive qualities I see in many people. “Oh, I know this person, I own that thing, my childhood was soooo traumatic”. Life isn’t about competing with anyone except yourself. I think that’s one of my favorite things about ‘Deadpool’ is when they’re playing the “I had a worse childhood than you game” and they KNOW it’s a game.
Self confidence, honesty, integrity, transparency, a willingness to listen and consider changing their point of view based on facts, hygiene – those are all important. Being able to love – to care, and if need be, sacrifice – also very valuable. I guess it all comes down to having a good heart and self esteem.
Nicely summed up! I think many people, men and women could resonate with the simple truths you have shared!
This rings true. 🙂 When I’m writing romance novels, this is basically the core quality of most heroes. Humor is good, as well.
Here is what makes a man attractive to me. I think our definitions overlap:
Authenticity, compassion, discipline, communication, optimism, generosity and sense of humor. Thanks for the interesting topic to think about. – Rebecca.
yep. I find needy unattractive, in friends as well as a romantic partner.
I was raised by tough guys. Interestingly, the women were just as tough (if not tougher than the guys). The women could all ride, rope, brand, fix fence, just like the guys. The guys could all cook (though I did run into a few that could burn water), clean house, change a baby, and so on. Does that mean the women were masculine. Not at all. It means they knew there was a time and place to kick butt. Because the guys knew how to make cookies didn’t make them any less masculine. They knew they had a place also to keep a home running. They realized one thing, they were equals, they were partners in this little thing called life. And if there was a threat to the home, the guy might be standing out there with a 30-30 in his hand. But guess who was standing right next to him with the 12 gauge!
This is one of the best paragraphs I have come across in a long time. Can’t find such truth and appreciation easily these days. Thank you. You made my day indeed.
“We live in a world, in which feminist groups often associate man’s masculinity with ‘tyranny’ and as a result believe in degrading men’s masculinity.”
I would kindly encourage you to learn about what feminism actually stands for. By throwing out uninformed comments like this you only undermine the points you make.
I don’t see how this is uninformed. Did I say that this is what feminism as a whole stands for?
There is no doubt that there are feminist groups out there that are in support of the above.
There are plenty of misandrists who may call themseleves feminists, but wearing a title doesn’t make it so. All I’m saying is, seeing the difference is important. Any group that hates men or doesn’t support minorities or queer people does not believe in feminism, they’re just stealing the name for malicious purposes.