The Most Important Thing(s) To Understand About Your Relationship

One of my most interested fields in psychology is that of dating and understanding how to find and interact with our romantic partner.

There is no doubt that if you are in a relationship or married, that you haven’t been through some sort of emotional or mental rollercoaster with your partner. That’s just part of the process, and more often than not, we resolve whatever there was to resolve and we continue living together.

However, with todays divorce rates fluctuating between 40% and 70%, I think gives an indication that something isn’t going quite right. And I’m starting to have a feeling that most couples are not quite getting the hang of two fundamentally important principles. Two very simple principles that seem to make the difference, especially after considering the principle the research recommends for sucessful and long-term dating.

Those two things are;

  1. The chemistry between you and your partner
  2. The Compatibility

Chemistry and Compatibility

Most people think these two terms can be used interchangeably and that they mean somewhat the same thing, when in reality, they are completly different.

Compatibility is what gives your relationship a solid foundation. Your compatibility with your partner is dependent on the extent, to which you have similar interests, similar values and worldviews, and lead somewhat relatable lifestyles. A priest and a stripper for example, are unlikely to be compatible and I doubt they ever end up dating each other. A high-school dropout and a career-aspiring woman are also unlikely to be compatible.

You’re compatible with someone if you both ‘click’ with one another. It’s knowing that big decisions are made fairly easily between you and you share a very similar taste for things.

Chemistry on the other hand, is the emotional side of the relationship. A relationship with high chemistry is reflected by intense emotional feelings and a strong emotional bond towards each other. Long facetime sessions and phone calls without feeling an hour went by happen regularly and every text received, you secretly hope is from him/her. You also constantly think what you can do or plan that he/she will like.

When we have high chemistry with someone, it is also reflected in the bedroom. Low chemistry sex is boring and dull. High chemistry sex however, gives us heart-pounding and a life-altering experience.

Simply said, compatbility is a rational and logical process. Chemistry is an irrational, emotional process. 

The interesting thing is this though – what happens when you get different combination of the two?

Low chemistry, high compatibility relationships are those you’re likely to have with your opposite sex best friend. You talk about the most private shit with each other but couldn’t dare sleeping with each other. You don’t actually feel any sexual attraction towards them.

High chemistry, low compatibility relationships are those where it feels sooo damn good, but you know it’s sooo damn wrong. It’s that constant cycle of love-hate feelings you have towards that person, that are often made from passionate, intense sex, but usually end with thrown iphones and 3 a.m. emergency Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream runs. Yes, they aren’t good at all.

Clearly, the goal should be to find someone where you both share high chemistry and high compatiblity with. This is something that isn’t that easy, because, you know, most people whom we meet are freakin psychos in the first place.

Below, I have a little matrix for you from Mark Manson’s blog that should help you get a little better glimpse at this stuff…

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How would you consider the chemistry and compatibility with your partner? Where on the matrix do you sit?

Let me know in the comments below! 🙂

Thanks for reading,

Max (The Ultimate Psyche)

7 thoughts on “The Most Important Thing(s) To Understand About Your Relationship

  1. I have only had two relationships and one was completely online. Now I grew up an extremely extremely extremely abusive home and didn’t know what was going on be beat or cussed out from one second to the next. It was absolutely hell and the u certainty was miserable. Now the real life relationship is the boring Netflix one. We agree on everything important and both hate bullies and abuse because we both grew up in abusive homes so we do our best to always get along with each other. It might be boring but it’s safe. The other relationship I have absolutely NOTHING in common with him. He has NO morals, no values, no integrity. If we went to save a group of orphans I would be the one trying to help them and he would be the one sleeping with them all. He’s attractive but he’s also a narcissist who wants EVERYONE to love and want him as a friend and as a sexual partner. He is attractive but I am just one of many to him and he doesn’t love or value me at all. I have tried to trust him and believe life can be fun and exciting but he has taught me that I am nothing to him, sure he might want to sleep with me but he doesn’t love me or want the other parts of me. He wants the sex and all the other women. I would rather not have any physical attraction to a person and know they are a loyal and trusty friend because I don’t need drama or uncertainty. I need someone I can trust and will be the same good person day in and day out. I would pick boring and safe over a five second romp that will fizzle out any day of the week. I HATE sex because they other man only values that and since he spends all his time looking at teen porn the whole sexual attraction means absolutely nothing to me, it disgust me because he has made something that should be beautiful and lovely into something perverse and wrong.

  2. I think the chemistry is great with me and hubby, and our compatibility. We balance each other out, my livewire to his coolness, my chatty ways to his silent…we are opposites in a lot of ways, but we are open and honest in all ways.

  3. Well, we used to be in that sweet spot, but middle age has done some ugly things to Chemistry. On the other hand, this gives us other opportunities to create intimacy without going to sex as the only true intimacy. The more I think about it, the better our relationship looks on this. I’ll take that we’re where we want to be. Most of the time. Damn, I miss feeling that sexy part of me, but you know; menopause etc is a bitch.

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