Why do we attract certain people?


How was your week? Hopefully, you had a peaceful week!

I have been thinking about this lately (well, I actually think a lot about this always, but more so recently): Why are the people in our lives in our lives (friends or romantic interests)? Why do we attract them? Or how do they end up in our lives?

I am a huge advocate of the idea that our subconscious rules most parts of our lives. So, I think some people end up in our lives because our subconscious just wants them. It could be because the person is somehow familiar to our subconscious, so it wants the familiar. Or it could be the opposite: the subconscious wants to break a pattern so it attracts the exact opposite. If the latter, that person embodies what we do not have in ourselves but desire to have. This type of attraction is about learning.

Another reason, maybe related to the subconscious again, is that our energies fit, however we define energy. Some people just clicks with us because we are on the same level and type of energy.  With these people, we end up being able to talk about anything and get intellectual and emotional satisfaction. This attraction is about sharing.

These two are the main reasons I could think of about why we attract people to our lives. Can you think of other reasons? Why do you think you have the people you have in your life now? Let’s talk about it.


55 thoughts on “Why do we attract certain people?

  1. Believe it or not, I do have another reason that may sound off the wall. Some are of course who we want in our lives but after starting to study others, I believe a chemical part of us has the ability to attract as well. Very interesting question and observation on your part. This is going to get my brain working on this question now.

    1. I am glad it is a good food for thought for you! Can you elaborate on the chemical part? You mean, there may not be any psychological reason but purely physical/chemical?

      1. I believe all of these things play a part. When I’m suggesting the chemical aspect, I am referring to smells. This exists especially for females. Males are more inclined to follow a physical approach but females tend to respond alot by smells. Now I’m not talking about wearing the correct aftershave or anything that is foreign but the natural smells that each of us possess. Once that connection is made, then they will move onto other things like kindness, looks and so on. Now this just explains male to female but what about friends i.e male to male or female to female. The chemical aspect also is involved here. Why and how do we find friends? There has to be some form of attraction other than same likes or dislikes. So I do believe for two or more people to become friends or enemies, they must have something else to account for this desire. Have you ever liked or disliked a person at first sight knowing nothing of their background? There has to be something that is not seen. I know I am going on and on here. I apologize. I hope this explains where I’m coming from.

      2. It makes sense! There is definitely something we cannot see that sometimes makes us feel attracted to or not attracted to a person. Smell can be a part of it and maybe there is something else too. This is a really interesting topic.

  2. Can you imagine that the smell of a person plays an important role in the choice of companionship? Still it looks that arranged marriages or those based upon matchmaking seem to be more divorce resistant than those based upon a passion. Even when you exclude those weddings where woman are traded and treated as cattle.

    1. I heard the smell part! The part on arranged marriages, I heard that too and I wonder why that is. Maybe because it involves not only (hopefully) feelings but also personality match, because usually people are recommended to each other by people that know them. So, that does the background check naturally. What do you think?

      1. Most arranged marriages have looked into the kind of issues that cause other mariages to implode. There is also the issue that arranged marriages can count on a broader family and comunity support.

  3. I attract a wide variety of people. My circle is horribly diverse. But I think I attract people who I share a common trait with. I think we tend to identify with this tiny part of us in someone else.

      1. Usually it’s a common interest like we both like the same thing. But then as you realise you like spending time with a person, they get more involved in your life.

  4. It is true that with some people, we end up being able to talk about anything and get intellectual and emotional satisfaction… and those attractions are about sharing. In my life, I think most of the people I spend time with are folks whose interests match mine in one way or another – and we enjoy sharing with one another. Love of the Lord and a deep connection to integrity (walking the talk) is another big way that people end of being a part of my sphere of reciprocal influence. Thanks for posing the question, Betul. It’s an interesting one to ponder.

    1. That is honestly a great thing to have in life. I think it is important to find an overarching theme that we can share with people in our lives. That keeps us connected.

  5. From a psychologist’s point of view, think of the situation that you are at a party. The host or hostess of the party. It is yours to command. People will come and go as they please. There will be seats both full and empty. Those that are empty, you will be reminded of the time that you had with them, all the fond yet sad memories. You hate to see them leave the party but as they say, “The show must go on!”. And just like that, they’re out of your life. But not all hope is lost. The next group of people will be at your party and as a good host, you cater to them because it’s your party. It’s our life. I wonder about this all the time and accepted it. Cherish the good and the bad because that’s how it shapes us.

    1. That is a very nice view of visualizing it! Thanks for sharing! I think it makes us feel more relaxed and accepting of the fact that people leave.

  6. I am an old soul, so I tend to attract people that are little older than I am. If a younger person is attracted to me, it’s because of my looks. I don’t have an answer for why people are drawn in my life other than me being an old soul. Good thoughts! Thank you for your post.

    1. Thanks for sharing your experience! It is interesting that you fully accepted yourself as an old soul. That is very nice, actually, accepting yourself.

  7. I think energy is a big part of it, you get back what you’re putting out there. When I was young and insecure and trying to pretend I wasn’t I surrounded myself with loud and confident people.. only they were just as lost and insecure as I was.

  8. I think I attract people who are their authentic selves. I truly believe being true to yourself about who you are and what you have to offer is a crucial ingredient to attracting the right kind of people. If your fake, pretend to be someone your not… I think the sad reality is that you attract other fake people–and that bond and relationship isn’t all that real. I also think hobbies is a huge component as to who I attract. Mutual hobbies is usually the glue that keeps me hanging out with my tribe. I’m a guy of course. That’s why I feel like… the more hobbies and interests you have… the more people you can connect with.

    1. The first part of your comment seemed like a case of energy-match to me. We tend to attract people who have similar energies to us.
      The point on hobbies, I have not thought of that. That is nice too, because that is also sharing. We share hobbies with people.

  9. I think what we have been socially conditioned to see as attractive plays a major role in who we find attractive. Each society had it own ideas of what is attractive. What’s attractive in one society is not attractive in another.

      1. I was referring to both. We are mentally conditioned to perceive which things to be attractive rather they be physical attractiveness or emotional. The idea of what we find attractive changes with time. Several centuries ago obese, deadly pale women were considered beautiful, that was a cultural idea of beauty which changed over the years.

        I’m aware that the ideal love is finding attractiveness in a person’s character, not so much in their physical appearance, but in reality not many people do this. They may profess to do so but they don’t. Most people have to mature until wise enough to know the difference. 🙂

      2. I’m aware that the ideal love is finding attractiveness in a person’s character, not so much in their physical appearance, but in reality not many people do this.

        I think this will likely stay as a human trait. It is ingrained in our core being. But we can demystify it and use it for the good.

        And yes, beauty standards change all the time.

  10. This is something that I don’t really know what’s the answer. But, I agree that the same level of energy plays important role, at least in my case. I’m the eldest in my family. I have 2 siblings that are 7 years and 10 years younger than me. If I compare with my cousins (both from my father and mother), I’m still being the eldest among them. It affects a lot to my social circle. That’s why it’s easier for me to befriend with people at the same age or younger than the elders. And they often see me as “a big sister” or even “a mother” of the group. Great post 👍

  11. I think it”s the 3rd. Like always attracts like. Sometimes they come us us to be helped, sometime to help. Reasons can be many, but I think it”s the 3rd

  12. I believe it’s all about the vibes we recive from an individual.. I dislike few people , who haven’t done any bad towards me Or to someone I know.. But still I just hate them for no good reason…

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