Something I’ve always wondered is why people go back to their ex’s. If it didn’t work out the first time then why should it the next? Is it an act of desperation or merely selective amnesia?
If you or they weren’t good enough the first time around, what makes one think they’re good enough now?
I used to always say to my friends to never go back, it ended for a reason.
Is it okay to forget the past voluntarily? Aren’t you just doomed to repeat the same mistakes?
Or is it more like the flip of a coin, all because you flip one coin and get heads doesn’t mean it rules out getting a tails the next flip.
If only it were that simple.
15 thoughts on “For-get/give – lapse in memory or judgment?”
Heard Dr. Phil say it takes a woman on an average 7 tries before she can leave a man for good …. he never said anything about the number for men (sorry)
Makes one wonder about the power of the familiar doesn’t it? (Scary shit)
I’ve often wondered the same thing. I think everyone in our life is there for a reason/lesson. Maybe these people going backwards haven’t learned what they were supposed to learn from that relationship. Cycles keep repeating themselves until we learn to overcome them.
My mother went back to my step-father after a one year separation and it ended up lasting until she passed away (about 15 additional years). From the outside it appeared as if they both finally starting letting things go. The reconciliation thing as never worked for me personally.
Women are so weak emotionally especially when it comes to the feeling of love. Once a woman loves a man, it takes her entire lifetime to leave him. Give a woman a black eye being a man she love, beg her on your knees to come back, ‘fiam’ she goes back and anyone who tried to stop her becomes an arch enemy.
So that’s why my dear.
But for men, can’t explain.
You know, I used to give people I dated a second chance, but after a thoroughly rocky relationship of back and forth over three years in my twenties, I don’t give second chances.
For many people it’s a sense of unfinished business / needing validation and the chance to put right what went wrong without ever really thinking of why it went wrong.
Most people that go back to an ex after many years and despite an ugly parting of ways because they’re unable to just accept and let go.
A common thing with very insecure, needy and clingy partners which is sad and even more so because an ex who was an abusive partner will pick up where they left off. Again the insecure other person is trying to reason, convince themselves and everything else they can fix things and it will all be just peachy.
I’m not one that dwells or struggles with this but can see how exhausting and feel mentally drained just watching someone that can’t and will not let go. .
I think there’s the whole “going to back to what you know” – the familiar, the hope that it will be better “this time”. And maybe it will be. Sadly, far too many abusive partners will use this to their advantage. There’s also the issue of what you were brought up as seeing as “normal”. If your parents had a crappy relationship, verbally abusive or self destructing – it’s really difficult to buy into another way of life.
OTOH – I know some people who are really awesome about letting go of the pain or ugliness of a relationship, and are able to remain friends with that person. My sister is terrific friends with 90% of her esex, to the point that she will travel to visit them and their new partners. It’s a very cool thing to see. She’s better about having boundaries to begin with.
How interesting! Before I reached the penultimate sentence I was already thinking: “maybe it’s like flipping a coin?” In all honesty, I agree with you. I would not return to someone it did not work out with. However, I feel compelled to play devil’s advocate and wonder, maybe it’s because people change? I recently re-watched the movie “Limitless” (which I love by the way), and fictional pill aside, there is a scene where the protagonist’s girlfriend returns to him after he has changed his negative qualities. Maybe it’s that? Maybe people have hope that the other party has learned from their mistakes and changed for the better. Either way, I still agree with you. Great post! 😄
I say more likely to fail but who knows, so are most, some 90 of funded startups. Whose business is it anyway? Start again or give it another try, God it is such a tough ask these days that I say never give up but keep trying ( of course make some very different agreements next time around, I think is the key)
I think there is always the hope that it can be different, but the only way it can be different is by not going back to that same person.
If I were to meet my ex now I bet he and I both would sit there with heads cocked to one side and a face that says “Wait what? Did we really spend nearly two years together?”
We all change and people we meet along the way change too but as others have rightly pointed out, if they are no longer in your life it’s for a reason. If they were such a good, positive influence and you valued their friendship they would still be in your life to some degree.
I prefer the company and friendship of animals over people anyway. Really not a fan of people so those I don’t need, like or want around are cut loose like a dead weight and let go.
Absolutely exhausting to carry around guilt, worry, insecurity and anxiety and it’s pointless carrying what you don’t need.
Get rid of it, lighten the load and you’ll get where you’re going a lot quicker 😀
Wile people do tend to make the same misakes over nd over again, and leopards have not been known to change their spots, sometimes second chances do lead to happiness.
I guess we should not make generalisations
You are right; it’s not easy.
The most obvious answer is that there is something about that person that draws them back. Love, security, not wanting to be lonely, etc. I don’t fault anyone for those things. People need to understand more and judge less. Wouldn’t you want them to be the same way with you when you have a problem?
There has only been one relationship that I went back to. I was only 20 and he was 28 and it didn’t last very long after we got back together. Since then I have never gone back to a relationship once it’s over it’s over.
However if your married and have children that changes everything.
I married my ex boyfriend. We had dated in high school. I was a year older and graduating so I ended things. The second time we dated was in college. We had both been dealing with recent major traumas as well as traumatic pasts, and we were trying to put all of that on each other. This time, we had been apart for years, worked on ourselves, and got back together after many many conversations. We had never crossed any lines. For us I truly believe it was a timing issue. There was work we had to do on ourselves before we could be together.