Your Wise and Shine Horoscope

I’ll admit it: I’m generally very skeptical about Astrology. But these are so dead on they gave me chills. See for yourself:

Aries – Zoran, Fifth Lord of the Legions of Vengeance, has decreed the time to exact retribution for your betrayal of the sacred blood oath is nigh, so today’s not a day to sweat the small stuff.

Taurus – The stars are just showing us a picture of a guy giving you the finger

Gemini – Today will present a golden opportunity for you to finally shut the fuck up

Cancer – Brace yourself, Cancers, today is going to be “one of those days.” And by “one of those days,” we mean indicted for Manslaughter

Leo – After the rough patch you went through last week, this week will still feel like a frozen hell scape

Virgo – Your loved ones are going to lean on you in the next few days, so it’s important to be strong and stay the course in your emotional distance from them

Libra – you will find yourself able to speak fluent French (this applies to French Libras only)

Scorpio – Good news! The stars forecast smooth sailing both financially and in personal relationships. Except you, Kevin. The stars think you’re a dick, and they’re right.

Sagittarius – DM us. ASAP. It’s important.

Capricorn – The spirit of Christmas will fill your soul with a joy so profound you can’t contain it, confusing many members of your family and synagogue

Capricorn, Second Horoscope, because apparently Capricorns are symbolized by two animals joined into one or some B.S. like that – It’s important to focus on your relationships this week. You’re going to need as many character witnesses as possible

Aquarius – That guy you saw about that thing? He says it’s all cool now.

Pisces – The good news: this week you will have never felt more comfortable simply being the REAL you. The bad news: the real you creeps the rest of us out.


18 thoughts on “Your Wise and Shine Horoscope

  1. I love that there are two choices for we, the Capricorns. Given the option, I prefer #2 — I can always use more character witnesses! 🤪

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