Recently I was in a noisy restaurant with some friends and acquaintances recently when I heard someone behind me say, “Before I became a parent, I never thought I would ever…”
It caught my ear so I turned to find it was a friend, the mother of a three-year-old, who had started the sentence. I asked her to repeat herself. “Before I became a parent, I never thought I would ever bribe a kid to eat.”
Isn’t hindsight so interesting? My friend’s confession sparked a list of things I never thought I would do before I started this parenting journey:
- Let a child cry it out
- Hide out in the bathroom
- Throw up because I’d been thrown up on
- Be willing to talk about my feelings in order to model acceptance
- Break out in a smile listening to my kids eat because I know which one is which just by the sound of them biting a chip
- Find it intimately sweet to rock a tender life to sleep
- Be so tired that I’d fall asleep mid-sentence
- Love any one so steadfastly and fiercely
What about you? Has hindsight changed any of your “Never would I ever” vows in life?
I’ve also published a post on my personal blog: Fear and Courage
My other projects include hosting a podcast that features inspirational creatives and being part of a team that teaches/speaks about corporate creativity. My book about my journey to find what fueled my dad’s indelible spark and twinkle can be found on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith.
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(featured photo from Pexels)
I struggle with “doing it for them” and “showing them that doing it for me first, making them wait occasionally, is part of the equation”. (If that makes sense.)
I was led to believe that moms do it all for the sake of the family, leading to essentially putting myself on the backburner for most of my parenting life. So letting them cry it out was part of that. (I should have done it more often, but not all the time. Instead, whenever I attempted it, someone else would step in. That’s the other struggle – if the parenting partner doesn’t subscribe to the ‘let them cry it out occasionally ‘ mentality.
Now that they’re teens, they struggle when they see me push back. “You can do it yourself” causes friction. “But you always did it” is the comeback. They would wait it out and sooner or later, dad or grandma would step in.
I don’t know how to navigate the happy middle.
So in hindsight, I would have liked to be more assertive in expressing a mutual respect and boundaries to demonstrate that a family unit is more than mom at the helm directing everything for everyone. And to demonstrate that sometimes, mom comes first. Just because.
SO the same for me. It is difficult to watch them struggle, specially if you’re in a time crunch and you gotta get out the door. I already know it’s going to come back and bite me. Lol.
Oh yes about the time crunch and the necessity to do it for them. That is so hard!!
Such great lessons, Claudette. And your point about other people stepping in when you are encouraging self-reliance is a good one. That’s so tough! Navigating the happy middle is tough in parenting, especially as their awareness and capabilities are always changing and growing!
This is so fun of an idea. I’ve got plenty of them if I dig deep enough. One of them is the ‘Let My No be No’. Sometimes now, it seems like its a million other things besides a no.
Yes! Exactly.
Oh, such a good one. I remember one of my friends telling me her kids asked once, “Is this going to be the long five minutes or the short five minutes?” Kids just know when there’s wiggle room!
Lol
Oh, this is good Wynne. I’ll be thinking about this the rest of the day. In the meantime, here’s the first thing I that came to my mind. “Before I became a parent, I never thought I would . . . ” be so quick to drop everything, rearrange my schedule and drive 6 -7 hours out of my way just so one of my kids could travel home with ease. I’ve done this for all of them. I’m always amazed how quickly I’m willing to sacrifice for them and be happy doing it. Ha, ha.
Oh yes – that’s so good. “how quickly I’m willing to sacrifice for them and be happy doing it.” That’s gold, Brian!!
It’s strange how that worked for me, but I see it over and over again. I complain about doing something, but when the kids need it, I don’t really care, I’m happy to do it. Kind of crazy. Ha, ha.
Such a question! I think I know my “hindsight” insight. I’d lean in a lot less…in so many situations and circumstances. Sometimes a little time and distance will solve what’s before me. Live and learn! 🥰
There’s that leaning in thing… Yes.
That’s so good, Vicki! Yes, sometimes we just need to let problems solve themselves!
🥰🥰🥰
…order food in a restaurant to suit the eating habits of my toddlers, lol
Ha ha. 😀 Yup.
I’m laughing, VJ. Then take it home and eat that mac and cheese myself. 🙂
Hahahaha
I ❤️ this piece, Wynne!
Thank you, Parisa!
I never thought I would use pacifiers, disposable diapers, or fall to the floor crying hysterically just because the fourth kid came down with the chicken pox! Oh yeah, I was never going to yell. Bahaha! I believe it’s called resilience? Hugs, C
Ahhh, the 4th kid came down with chicken pox!! Holy cow! And I wasn’t going to ever yell either. 🙂 Love your note about resilience. So true!
A big question you’ve posed! I’d say with hindsight, I never thought I’d feel so powerless at many times with my daughters. And summoning the honesty to say “I don’t know” to many situations and questions (I tried to hide my ignorance before). Then summoning the gusto to learn on my feet about the demands of parenting. Knowing I’d make mistakes along the way — a lot of them. Which, after all, is part of learning 🙂
Oh yes, the “I don’t knows” and the things we can’t change. Such a good addition to the list. I love your note about learning along the way. So good, Dave!
There are so many things I wouldn’t have thought to do, and most of them are related to children. Nice post Wynne!
Ah, the things that we do for our children. Thank you for the comment, Cristiana!
Because I am not anyone’s parent, I took your challenge in a slightly different direction; I think I have much more to write on this prompt, but here is some of what came to mind…
Before I became a caretaker for my aging mom who has dementia, I never thought I would ever:
– Wash her feet and equate that activity to Jesus humbly washing the feet of his disciples to convey the extent of his love for them
– As a childless woman, experience what it is to care for a person going through the defiance of her terrible two’s again and even her teenage years again
– Help her (or anyone else, for that matter) take a shower and instruct her how to do so
– Find the patience to answer the same exact question a dozen times a day, every day
– Break her heart by having to tell her the truth of her condition or the passing of her beloved second husband when she insists she wants the truth
– Wish I could turn back time
– Have what it takes to walk through the darkness of her dementia to help her find her way
– Be able to love her even more than I ever have before
I’m Sue J, by the way. My ‘Like’ on your post showed up fine, but somehow my comment re: my mom came up ‘anonymous’. Ah well. Your post supplied great food for thought! Thanks for that!
Wow, Sue. What an incredible reply. This statement really struck me, “Have what it takes to walk through the darkness of her dementia to help her find her way.” As well as the love that shines through in each of your statements. Thank you so much for this wonderful comment1
Thank you, Wynne. You gave me a great opportunity to reflect on these thoughts I didn’t know I had. 🙂
awesome
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Always always hindsight is 20/20. I find myself actually chuckling as I think, “that’s the benefit of it right?” 😊
As I am not a parent yet some hindsight I have begins “Before I was married, I never thought I would”:
– Be able to call so many more people family.
– Have to specifically schedule time to play ultimate (frisbee) for fitness.
– Discover how much I love coffee (my wife kindly makes it many mornings.)
– Rediscover a (sort of) joy for the act of running itself, without needing to chase a ball.
– Cherish praying together with my wife most days.