With January upon us, what better way to start the year than by convincing ourselves the movements of indifferent heavenly objects hundreds of millions miles away, oblivious to our existence, are actually enacting a well-designed choreography designed to guide our every decision.

ARIES ♈️ : Now is a good time to rekindle old friendships, restraining orders be damned.

Taurus ♉️: Opportunity will knock this month, but it may arrive at a time you’re not ready: so, best not to sleep, shower, or waste any time using the bathroom for your bodily evacuations. There will be plenty of time for that self-indulgence come February.

Gemini ♊️: There is no sweeter feeling in life than proving all who’ve doubted you wrong. We’re letting you know this because you’re never going to experience it firsthand.

Cancer ♋️: This month you’ll be sorely tempted to finally go up into the attic, despite the stern admonishments from the house’s previous owners not to. The stars are very clear on this: Do NOT yield to that temptation.

Leo ♌️: You may feel it harder than ever to communicate with your family, but this is only because they’ve blocked you on their phones and social media.

Virgo ♍️: Though it may seem like a fun escapade or even an act of neighborliness, do not let any Cancers in your life talk you into going into their attic.

Libra ♎️: Be wary of starting new business ventures in January. This holds for the other months, too, because your judgment is terrible.

Scorpio ♏️: Last month’s seeming avalanche of erotic text messages you received from noted character actor Paul Giamatti will finally stop. However, the harassing emails you’ve been getting from two-time Academy Award winner Cait Blanchett will only increase in frequency and troubling details.

Sagittarius ♐️: Are you serious? The stars can’t even with you right now.

Capricorn ♑️: There’s a decent chance it’s your birthday this month, so congratulations! The good news is you’ll be swamped by congratulations and well-wishes from friends and family! The bad news is, you’ll never know if they truly reached out to you because they love you or Facebook and Google Calendar made it too hard for them to ignore it. But the Stars know which way they’re betting.

Aquarius ♒️: The new year is a traditional time to set new goals for yourself, but do you really think you can handle another failure at this point? The stars think it’s time you to stop kidding yourself.

Pisces ♓️: The stars would like to know why they should even bother giving you advice at this point. You never follow through on ANY of it, not even that real estate licensing course the stars loaned you the money for.

Regardless of sign, the this is a great day, week and month to please follow me on Twitter and Instagram @jackcanfora

And follow my theater company, New Normal Rep, on Twitter and Instagram @NewNormal

And it’s also in the stars to check out my blog on writing and mental health at http://www.thewritingonthepaddedwall.com

Looking for a writing coach? I gotcha at http://www.jackcanforawriter.com