The NY Times reports the FBI seized a recording of former President Trump trying to pre-emptively pardon himself and his children during its search of his house in August. . Here, according to anonymous sources, the transcript:
Trump: So listen. I want to pardon myself for stuff.
White House Lawyer: what “stuff,” sir?
Trump: Just answer the question.
WHL: You didn’t ask a question, sir.
Trump: I wanna pardon myself for any future crimes, er, or, you know, whatever, past, or whatever people might want to falsely accuse me of.
WHL: Sir, first of all, you can’t pardon your-
Trump: Ivanka, too. In fact, all my kids. But definitely Ivanka.
WHL: All of your children?
Trump: Maybe you’re right. Ok. They can have Eric. But the rest of them. Even the little one, Melania’s one…what’s his name. Snoopy.
Trump: You know who I’m talking about.
WHL: You mean Barron?
Trump: what did I say?
Trump: Oh right. That’s how I remember his name. What’s his name. The kid.
Trump: Yeah. Cos of the war.
Trump: Jesus, the War! During the Revolution, when Washington was taking over the airports, Snoopy had to shoot down that kraut guy first. The Red, um….
WHL: you mean the Red –
Trump: Shut up! Don’t tell me! Don’t you ever talk to the president that way. I’m the President of the United States.
WHL: I know, sir. In fact, would you like to put the Presidential Seal down for a minute? It looks heavy.
Trump: Thanks. You’re a good guy. Loyal. Just don’t let me forget it . That’s happened a few times, and they’re more expensive than you’d think. Anyway. (Long pause) What was I talking about?
WHL: You were trying to remember the name of your-
Trump: Right! Shhh! It’ll come to me.(Very, very long pause.) It’s the, the guy Snoopy shot down to win the Revolution. The Red…man…woman…camera…hat. Um…(Pause. He slumps, defeated)
WHL: The Red Barron, sir?
WHL: Actually, I think The Red Barron shoots Snoopy down in the song, sir.
Trump: What song? (Pause) Anyway, yes. A pardon for him, too.
WHL: Well, sir, first of all, Barron is still a child.
Trump: Still? Jesus, she coddles that boy. Then a kiddy pass, or whatever. A Pardon Junior. I don’t know the fancy legal term for it.
WHL: Again, sir, you can’t pardon someone who hasn’t been convicted of anything.
Trump: Don’t try to confuse me with your fancy law words like “convicted” and “hasn’t.” Just get it done. I want them all on my new tiny desk tomorrow. Now get out of my office.
WHL: This isn’t your office, sir. The Secret Service drove you to my house. This is my kitchen.
Trump: And it’s a total loser house. A dump. Fix that, too. Anyway, get it done. I’ve gotta call Ivanka.
WHL: At three in the morning?
Trump: Yeah. She answers the phone all breathy this time of night. It takes her a minute to really wake up. That’s when I can…tell her things.
(Trump raids refrigerator, stacks turkey leg, jello, and cole slaw on top of the Presidential Seal, and exits)