Breaking News: Document Seized at Mar-A-Lago Leaked

The NY Times reports the FBI seized a recording of former President Trump trying to pre-emptively pardon himself and his children during its search of his house in August. . Here, according to anonymous sources, the transcript:

Trump: So listen. I want to pardon myself for stuff.

White House Lawyer: what “stuff,” sir?

Trump: Just answer the question.

WHL: You didn’t ask a question, sir.

Trump: I wanna pardon myself for any future crimes, er, or, you know, whatever, past, or whatever people might want to falsely accuse me of.

WHL: Sir, first of all, you can’t pardon your-

Trump: Ivanka, too. In fact, all my kids. But definitely Ivanka.

WHL: All of your children?

Trump: Maybe you’re right. Ok. They can have Eric. But the rest of them. Even the little one, Melania’s one…what’s his name. Snoopy.

WHL: Sir?

Trump: You know who I’m talking about.

WHL: You mean Barron?

Trump: what did I say?

WHL: Um….Snoopy.

Trump: Oh right. That’s how I remember his name. What’s his name. The kid.

WHL: Barron?

Trump: Yeah. Cos of the war.

WHL: ….

Trump: Jesus, the War! During the Revolution, when Washington was taking over the airports, Snoopy had to shoot down that kraut guy first. The Red, um….

WHL: you mean the Red –

Trump: Shut up! Don’t tell me! Don’t you ever talk to the president that way. I’m the President of the United States.

WHL: I know, sir. In fact, would you like to put the Presidential Seal down for a minute? It looks heavy.

Trump: Thanks. You’re a good guy. Loyal. Just don’t let me forget it . That’s happened a few times, and they’re more expensive than you’d think. Anyway. (Long pause) What was I talking about?

WHL: You were trying to remember the name of your-

Trump: Right! Shhh! It’ll come to me.(Very, very long pause.) It’s the, the guy Snoopy shot down to win the Revolution. The Red…man…woman…camera…hat. Um…(Pause. He slumps, defeated)

WHL: The Red Barron, sir?

Trump: Exactly.

WHL: Actually, I think The Red Barron shoots Snoopy down in the song, sir.

Trump: What song? (Pause) Anyway, yes. A pardon for him, too.

WHL: Well, sir, first of all, Barron is still a child.

Trump: Still? Jesus, she coddles that boy. Then a kiddy pass, or whatever. A Pardon Junior. I don’t know the fancy legal term for it.

WHL: Again, sir, you can’t pardon someone who hasn’t been convicted of anything.

Trump: Don’t try to confuse me with your fancy law words like “convicted” and “hasn’t.” Just get it done. I want them all on my new tiny desk tomorrow. Now get out of my office.

WHL: This isn’t your office, sir. The Secret Service drove you to my house. This is my kitchen.

Trump: And it’s a total loser house. A dump. Fix that, too. Anyway, get it done. I’ve gotta call Ivanka.

WHL: At three in the morning?

Trump: Yeah. She answers the phone all breathy this time of night. It takes her a minute to really wake up. That’s when I can…tell her things.

(Trump raids refrigerator, stacks turkey leg, jello, and cole slaw on top of the Presidential Seal, and exits)


16 thoughts on “Breaking News: Document Seized at Mar-A-Lago Leaked

  1. Hilarious, Jack! If only news documentaries were so entertaining!

    Somehow Snoopy and the Red Baron mixed with Trump reminded me of a great Charles Schulz quote: “Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.'”

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