Recently, I had the chance to sit down with the year 2020. We talked about 2020’s accomplishments, its regrets, its future, and what it might have up its sleeve its last 6 weeks.
Q: 2020, welcome.
2020: Thank you, Jack. Glad to be here. And by here, I mean in 2020. So I guess I’m saying, it’s great to be with me.
Q: Of course. Well, I have to say, a lot of people wouldn’t share that sentiment.
2020: Ouch. Starting right away with the tough questions. I can respect that. After all, I hit the ground running, too.
Q: That’s an understatement. The calamitous fires in Australia in January, for example.
2020: Right? (Laughs) Doesn’t that seem forever ago?
Q: Exactly. And at the time, I think a lot of us thought that may be one of the big news stories of the year.
2020: Well, I’ll give you and your readers a bit of scoop: that was totally deliberate. Diversionary tactic til Covid was ready to really take off. Now, let me share some credit. I didn’t invent CoVid-19. That was all 2019. Now, was it a little too much, maybe you could even call it tacky to put its own name on the damn thing? That’s not for me to say (Chuckles) But I kid 2019, we’re like brothers, really.
Q: Right, so he started the Coronavirus.
2020: Yes, that’s true. Absolutely But, and this going to sound maybe a little…I don’t know.
Q: No, please.
2020: Well, I was the one who really saw its potential pretty early on. So right off the bat, pardon the pun, I decided to go global. Looking back, you gotta admit it was a helluva gamble for a young year just trying to find its footing. But go big, I always say.
Q: Did you expect it to take off like it did?
2020: Well, you always hold out hope, of course. But I’d be lying if I said I knew it would explode like it did. And let’s face it: I owe a lot to you guys.
2020: You guys! I mean, you’re still split on basic science! Which is such a gift, I have to tell you. We haven’t been given the chance to work with that sort mass, pig-headed ignorance since.…well, it’s been a while (chuckles).
2020: I mean, and again, credit where credit’s due: I can’t thank 2016 enough. 2016…well, it was sort of a legend around the office. It set a mighty high bar. And its trajectory that just kept gaining steam, 2017, 2018, 2019 – I know it’s hard to remember, but people bitched nonstop about those years as they were happening. So, I don’t mind telling you, the pressure was on!
2020: But ultimately, Jack, and this is a message I really want your readers to hear, is that I had to go to a lot of dark places inside myself, I mean really do the work, to find the courage to speak my truth. And that is so empowering. I, I haven’t shared this before, but last October, I made a vision board – And, I know, I know that sounds, you know, whatever. But it helped – it gave me the gift of believing in myself. (Becomes teary-eyed)
Q: You want to take a break?
2020: You’re kind, but no. I think it’s important for people to know the real 2020, warts and all.
Q: Warts and all? You created a pandemic that killed over 1.4 million people
2020: So far. 2020’s not done yet.
Q: That’s true. You’ve got about a month left.
2020: (A wry smile) I wouldn’t be quite so sure about that.
Q: How do you mean?
2020: Well, time’s kinda lost all meaning in 2020, right? Everyone’s saying that. People are saying it. It just all seems to run together, am I right?
Q: I guess, but –
2020: I’m saying that there’s doubt – real doubt – that this is even November. In fact, there are experts who – I hear people saying that it’s probably late August at most.
Q: Well, the calendar quite clearly –
2020: (Rolls eyes) Calendars? OK, OK: let me ask you something: you believe everything the liberal calendar lobby tells you? Think: who stands to make the most profit off of a new year? Big Calendar, that’s who. Follow the money.
Q: With all due respect, that sounds a little –
2020: There are people looking into it is all I’m saying. The best…we’ve uncovered substantial evidence of widespread fraud in month-counting.
Q: But that’s….I mean, it’s getting cold out. The days are getting shorter. Surely –
2020: Let me ask you something, and I’m not trying to sound – you know – but ask yourself: with the way I’ve gone so far, you’re saying it’s not possible that I could make that happen in August?
Q: Well, I –
2020: I think your readers know better. Anyway. We’ll see how it plays out. What’s your next question?
Q: What’s your proudest accomplishment?
2020: Oh gosh, so many…and again, it’s a team effort, you know? Without the last ten years at least that came before me, I couldn’t pulled this off all by my lonesome. I mean, the Pandemic would be such an obvious answer. So, besides that, I guess I’d have to…gosh it’s hard to pick one. The increase in racial tensions in America is certainly something I’m proud of, um, I mean, um, Q-anon has just blown up under my watch, so. I also think I’m doing a good job picking up where the last few years left off in terms of escalating right wing racist tendencies in Europe.
Q: What about the election results in the U.S.?
2020: I actually try to stay apolitical, sort of like, you know, the Queen, or Susan Collins. But – and here’s the beauty of it: it didn’t matter. Either Trump would win, and well, I mean: great. But Biden winning just means vast swaths of the American people are gonna buy into conspiracy theories until finally…well, I don’t want to steal any of 2023’s thunder.
Q: Any regrets?
2020: Hmm…looking back, I think the Pandemic was such a runaway train, it just sucked all the life out of everything else. (Chuckles) Let me rephrase. There just wasn’t much room for anything else, you know? I’ll give you an example: I think my celebrity deaths didn’t get their due. Kobe Bryant. I mean, that was the last one we got a lot of mileage out of before the Pandemic. But I mean, Sean Connery, Eddie Van Halen, Alex freaking Trebek? I’d stack that roster against anybody’s. Also, let’s face it: the whole Killer Hornet thing. Amazing idea, just, there was just too much going on for it to stick in most people’s heads like we’d hoped.
Q: Let me ask you: when did years become so evil?
2020: Whoa, whoa, whoa there. I resent the – we take our cues from you people. Assess the general trends. Follow the zeitgeist. You were all feeling pretty angry and divided. Don’t get me wrong, I played hardball with the Coronavirus, sure, but it could have been a chance for you all to come together, you know? I didn’t force you people to become even more fractured.
Q: Yes, but –
2020: I mean, masks? Masks? In my wildest dreams, I wouldn’t have thought you guys could’ve made something ugly out of that. George Floyd’s murder? I mean, it’s recorded! Don’t blame me if you guys found a way to be divided on that one.
2020: And where’s my thank you for getting Steve Bannon arrested? Where’s the thanks for that? I would’ve tried to pull some shit on Stephen Miller, but, honestly? Dude scares the crap out of me. And Giuliani? I gave you Rudy frigging Giuliani ranting like a vampire off its meds all year on cable news and topped it off with a press conference between a dildo shop and crematorium? And that, that press conference with the leaking –
Q: Hair dye, yes. That was good.
2020: See? Thank you. And, FYI: not hair dye.
2020: A common misconception. It was simply the last remnants of his soul leaving his body. That’s what it looks like, sometimes.
2020: Right? And, two words: Queen’s Gambit. Pretty great series. No? So, you can’t say I didn’t do anything right by you.
Q: I think I speak for all our readers when I say, “2020, fuck off.”
2020: It’s been a pleasure.
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