Missed Connections

“Throughout our lives we long to love ourselves more deeply and to feel connected with others. Instead, we often contract, fear intimacy, and suffer a bewildering sense of separation. We crave love, and yet we are lonely. Our delusion of being separate from one another, of being apart from all that is around us, gives rise to all of this pain.”

Sharon Salzberg

Hello, friends. It has been awhile, but it is so nice to see you here.

I have been thinking quite a bit about connections lately. More specifically human connections. I think I have wandered through much of my life taking for granted human connection and how important it is to a healthy and happy state of mind.

Do not get me wrong, some of the connections I have made over the years have definitely NOT been in my best interest (exes, needy “friends,” toxic bosses, etc.…). For this discussion I am talking about those connections that replenish us, that create safe spaces for us to let our hair down. I am speaking of relationships that allow us to be who we truly are rather than the masks we wear or the boxes we squeeze ourselves into…our true selves so quirky, messy and neurotic in all of our glory.

I grew up in a little town outside of Rochester, NY, and I could not get out of my hometown fast enough. It felt like everyone was always in my business or had an opinion of me and of how I should live my life -and they were not afraid to share their thoughts with me. It was unbearable and I just wanted OUT. So, in 2001 I started travel nursing. I did not travel too far at first, only the next city over for a while. Then, when I got a little braver I accepted an assignment in a big city 7 hours away. That led to a bigger move to a few states south of where I grew up. Each assignment was 13 weeks long, so I did not have to stick around for too long in any one place if I did not want. I met loads of people and had so much fun.  Every new place I went I reinvented myself. I shed the labels and expectations of all those I left behind. It was AWESOME. I felt free from all of the judgement finally. It was incredible to experience and learn all that I did. And it was – if I am being completely honest – at times excruciatingly lonely. Like “huddle-up-in-a-ball-on-the-floor-and-cry-at-night” kind of lonely. This did not happen often, but it happened enough to leave a mark. But at that time in my life the good times decidedly outweighed the bad.

Eventually, after 6 years of traveling, I got homesick and an opportunity to be on a cardiac surgery team in my hometown. I had always wanted to learn cardiac surgery, so back home I went. It felt funny to be home, everything seemed just a little smaller. It was familiar yet alien to me all at the same time. I worked A LOT, ended up in an awful relationship, and fought with my mother pretty much the entire time. Despite my growth, she and so many others still saw me as the anchorless screwup I had been my whole life. I had changed but many people still saw me with the same labels they had previously slapped on me. It lasted 3 and a half years before I felt that if I did not get the hell out, I was going to die. That was an actual thought in my head, “I would rather be dead than be here.” I packed up my dog, my clothes and shoes and moved 3,500 miles away. That was 11 years ago. That move quite literally may have saved my life, but was the biggest ripping away of all I knew and was.

I rewrote my life. I learned to survive on my own. I focused on my career, paid my bills, I made lots of incredible friends, I went on amazing vacations and eventually met the love of my life. My life was complete…but was it?

Back in 2019 (which after 2020 feels like it was 100 years ago), we were living in the Bay Area and I found out my father had passed away. We were not close, but it still felt strange to have a piece of my past cease to exist. We also found out my father-in-law and mother-in-law had some health challenges back on the east coast. My brother and his family, who live in New York, were sending my niece off to school. I missed my best friend, who also lives in New York and whom I only saw once every year or two. I started to become consciously aware of this feeling of missing out on things…a feeling of dis-CONNECTION.

The final straw for me was last December. My husband and I had great jobs, jobs of a lifetime really. We were successful and had a beautiful apartment only 20 miles outside of downtown San Francisco. We had a good life.

Then, one morning, I went into work only to find out that one of my staff had been tragically killed the night before by a drunk driver on the way home from his evening shift. His wife worked for me and was in my office trying to find out where he was and why he hadn’t come home. When her phone rang, I watched while she was told the news. I watched her drop the phone and crumple to the floor as her whole life and everything she had known shattered around her. I picked up the phone and spoke to the man from the coroner’s office, getting contact information so someone could identify the body and make arrangements for the funeral home. It was one of the most heartbreakingly impactful things I have experienced in my life. I went home that night and spoke to my husband, Mike. He was nearly as shook as I was. The questions started to roll through our minds…what if this was either one of us? What would the other one do? We are so far from our family and friends…we would have no one close to us to help us pick up the pieces. We started talking in earnest about our priorities and what changes we needed to make in our lives. It was time to re-CONNECT.

Since my husband and I are both from the northeast and had absolutely zero interest in living anywhere that would ever have snow in the forecast, we decided to move near my in-laws in Tampa. I took some time off from work after the move so we could just focus on friends and family. Despite COVID-19, we have gotten to spend more time with our friends and family in the past 8 months than we had in the past couple of years. Our hearts are full, and life feels complete. I feel the connections I had unknowingly been missing for some time. Just being in the same time zone has been a game changer for phone calls and text messages.

I do not want to try to sell you some fairy tale ending here, that is not what this is about. Families are not perfect because people are not perfect. But I will tell you this, I am 100% certain that if Mike or I had something tragic befall us our family and friends would be there in a heartbeat – as we would for them. I missed them, they missed us, life is good.

I hope you enjoyed my post! Please let me know in the comments. I would love to hear from you!! Light and love to you and yours.

What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.

Mother Theresa

62 thoughts on “Missed Connections

  1. Thanks for sharing your story which was very interesting. I also disconnected from my life only I went from the West Coast to the East Coast. I had no desire to go back and never will. But I totally understand where you are coming from as far as having someone there to pick up the pieces; I’m glad your story has a happy ending to it.

      1. Your very welcome. I have some very very good reasons why I won’t for I’m from the desert in Palm Springs, Calif. which is way too hot! I loved San Deigo though:)

  2. Thanks for a very moving story. I’m pleased it has a happy ending. Families are so often tricky, aren’t they? But they’re family. And with Covid, so many people are missing out on that most basic of human needs, connection. I think the effects of that will be felt for a very long time. There is so much sadness, thanks for the uplift in your story.

  3. Hi Danielle! Thank you for sharing your story. (And thank you for your work in healthcare!)
    You bring up such an important reminder that life is so very fragile. Being close to those we love–as well as living life in a way that makes us feel authentically ‘us’–are things we should strive for regularly. Wishing you well, friend. 🙂

  4. Hi Danielle. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s funny how our real life encounters with death are often the wakeup call we need – that allow us to let go of everything that is trivial and to live life in the present. You’ve reminded me – I must tell my parents how much I love them today, and again tomorrow. Wishing you well, AP2 🙏

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!! One of my favorite connections is through blogging. Knowing that there are others out there that feel the same helps so much!! Sending you peace and love!

  5. Fantastic story! I had and experience like yours. But, in my case, I spent nine years far from home, and after a short time abroad, I decided to go back home. I`m lucky now I’m living near my family again, even I don’t have the same job as I had some years ago, I’m happier now than I’ve never felt for a long time! Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

  6. Thanks for sharing your story. My family all live so far away from each other that we feel disconnected especially during these times.

    1. It was really tough. And you are right, this pandemic has changed everything and we feel really lucky that we found our way closer to home just before it hit. I am sending you lots of love!! Thank you for stopping by 😊

  7. Danielle, I enjoyed reading your story. Working in the healthcare field is pretty stressful right now. It must be comforting to be close to family. My significant other and I do not have anyone close by, but we try to keep in touch with our families by phone and email. We live just south of you in Charlotte County. 🙂

  8. I just kept reading, holding tight the chair like in a rushing, swirling car with a crazy driver.

    At times, it gets sane, like a priest driving. Or, as I have just watched on TV, a “drunk” driver told to pull over to rest and let the drink wear out. And zooooommmmm …. it went off again … racing and making the heart pant. What’s gonna happen again? Is this real or just a story?

    This is so impactful a message on families, friends and connections. It touches strongly on what is important about life pursuits. Can I say more? Just all that https://worklifefeed.com/ trys to communicate.

    I will rather stop. I can go on and on.

    We need work of course. Yeah, to make money and pay the bills? Not just that. Also for social connections. But in the pursuit of work (and having “fun” considering that you traveled and tried to fill the time travelling machine), many lose or leave life behind. Now what is the life that is left behind?

    From your write up, so many things can pop up.

    We run away from Point A out of fear (of others overbearing snoopy eyes and opinion on what is ours). And run back to Point A out of fear (of becoming invincible in a world of 7.8 billion people). And most importantly, connection; the importance of you to me, and vice versa.

    Common, why was a good spouse not just enough? That is all that some crave! I got to stop … thanks for sharing.

  9. Family, Family, Family! We love to have them, but love to hate (or disconnect from) them. Lord help us all! If we all could permanently wear the lenses of forgiveness, love, and reality that none is perfect, we will all live happily ever after.
    Thanks for sharing – it’s a wakeup call for us all.

  10. Great post and I’m glad it’s worked out for you ☺ Just before covid, I was planning on moving away from my parents and friends, but changed my mind when the lockdown hit. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to get to my parents if they needed me. I’m grateful I hadn’t already made the move. It has changed my priorities.

  11. But can we truly love ourselves by staying so connected with others? Wisdom says to do the former you need healthy detachment from external.

    1. For me, part of it is, the ability to accept my family and friends for who they are and not who I need them to be that helps. More important than that though is I am able to accept myself for who I am and not who they need me to be. Also a healthy dose of detachment definitely helps. Thank you for your comment! 😊

  12. I guess i am going through a major disconnect. Packed up my bags and grew up and now it seems I have outgrown my non- familiar bonds, they seem rough to navigate and even alien, these days.

  13. I relate to some of this post in a roundabout way. For most of my adult life nowhere has really felt like home. It is an odd thing at the end of a day, or when flying back to the city where I live, to not believe it when saying “I’m going home”. The structure of the words is true; I am going to the place where I sleep, eat, and spend a lot of my time; but there is no strong sense of home.

    My brother and sister and I get on very well and we visit each other often. (I mean, I live the same apartment as my sister at the moment so it would be hard not to see each other!) My parents are two of the most loving people, and always reach out whenever they can. Owing to the fact nowhere in New Zealand is more than a 2 hour flight away from anywhere else, the scales of distance and time are a lot smaller.

    I am glad you have found a sense of connection again, especially with loved ones. I hope I am able to re-engage in those meaningful connections and find a place which feels like home to grow new ones too.

    1. I am so happy that you are connected with your siblings. Both of my parents have passed but I was not close with them from a very young age so my bond with my brother has been, by far, my strongest connection. Since we moved back to the east coast we speak with him and his family a couple times a week at least. I love it and it makes my heart happy. I can identify with your thought around flying somewhere that you live but it doesn’t feel quite like home. That is how I have felt for much of my life. Luckily, for me now, where my husband and pets are always feel like home💙

      Thank you for commenting and stopping by!!

      1. The phrase “Home is where the heart is” God often speaks into my soul. But even so, my human heart longs to find someone to share each day with, to make home where we are in that moment. I look forward to the time when this will come to pass.

        Thank you for your willingness to share, and the honesty in your heartfelt words. Peace to you and your family as the rest of 2020 unfolds before us. 💛

  14. Thanks for sharing a great story. But I’m more impressed by your skill of capturing your innermost thoughts and expressing both the images and the ideas. Good on you!

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