A couple of weeks ago, an email popped into my inbox with tips on having productive conversations about climate change. In an increasingly divided world, where the need to be right puts relationships with others at risk, the email was an excellent reminder of the importance of seeking to understand different points of view in all areas of life.

The email, from The Carbon Almanac, shared four tips from organizational psychologist Adam Grant. Grant believes our inability to disagree constructively leaves us feeling more disconnected. In a world where loneliness is a serious mental health issue, improving our ability to have productive conversations is an important step toward healing.

With a U.S. election approaching quickly, and a Canadian election looking more likely in the near future, the potential for heated conversations is high. Let’s look at Grant’s four tips, and a fifth that I added to compliment the list.

Tips for Productive Conversations

Establish Shared Values Before Divergent Views

Some of the biggest disagreements are with the people closest to us. Before digging in your heels and getting into an argument with a loved one, consider which values you share with them. Perhaps you’re both concerned about securing a better future for your children. Or you could have common concerns about your future health or your economic wellbeing.

Understanding your shared values may help you find something—no matter how small—you can agree on.

Argue Like You Might Be Right

Any issue worth discussing or debating is probably something you have strong opinions on. Before wading into a conversation on a divisive topic, make sure you have done your homework. You’ll need facts to back up your opinions.

While you’re at it, recognize that very few things in life are black or white, and educate yourself on opposing viewpoints. Looking at things from different angles can help you solidify your own views.

Listen Like You Might Be Wrong

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But, if you listen you may learn something new.

• Dalai Lama

I believe listening is far more important to productive conversations than arguing so I would have put this one before “argue like you might be right”.

Active listening requires us to put our egos aside, stop talking, and open our hearts and minds to learning. If we can find a way to do that, we may discover a tiny nugget we agree on that can form the foundation for moving forward.

An excellent tip for active listening is to ask open-ended questions. Here are some constructive ways to continue the conversation without making the other person feel attacked.

• Try “But how do you explain…?” instead of “You’re wrong!”
• Say “That doesn’t make sense to me, or “Can you help me understand?” instead of “That’s dumb!”
• Try “I understand what you said about…, but have you considered…?”

Discuss How to Handle It Better Next Time

If things get heated despite your best efforts, take the time to set some ground rules for the next conversation.

If nothing else, agree to avoid personal insults or threats of violence. And focus on the relationship and those shared values you identified earlier.

Know When to Let Things Go

In addition to the tips provided by Grant, I would add a fifth tip.

When I was younger, I loved a good argument. I’d dig in my heels and fight to the end. With the wisdom of age, I now realize that some conversations will never be productive, and some people’s values just don’t align with mine. I still don’t shy away from sharing my opinion, but I’ve learned that it’s not worth the time and energy to try to win people over to “my side”.

In the interest of peace, harmony, and self-preservation, sometimes you need to agree to disagree and just let things go. In worst case scenarios, you may need to make some decisions about who you associate with.

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In an increasingly divided world, disagreements and passionate discussions are inevitable. But with a little care, you can avoid turning every gathering into a battle ground.

Do you have other tips for productive conversations? Drop me a comment below to let me know.

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