The bond which I shared with that little girl, from the kindergarten I once worked at, was truly special. It took some time to adjust to her unique personality, but once I did, I found her utterly fascinating. I couldn’t help but imagine her as a grown-up, in sleek black leather attire, cruising to and from the law office on a motorcycle – a badass female lawyer.
Every now and then, she’d come over and perch herself on my lap. Sometimes calmly, other times playfully slapping my face. That was her way of reaching out, making a connection.
“If you’re looking for attention, there are gentler ways to get it. If you keep hitting me, I’ll have to put you down,” I’d admonish her. Most of the time, my straightforward approach did the trick.
There were also moments when she’d help herself to snacks from other children’s lunch boxes. I caught her red-handed one day, hidden amidst the clothes in the wardrobe, munching away. It was a harmless act for a three-year-old, but it was crucial that she learned it wasn’t okay to take food without permission. My response was simple: “If you’re hungry, just come ask one of the adults for food.”
One day, as she sat on my lap, she casually mentioned having a pet tarantula at home.
“A tarantula?” I exclaimed, taken aback.
“Yes,” she replied matter-of-factly.
I hadn’t pegged her mother as a tarantula owner, but then again, people were full of surprises. She even claimed to have fed it lettuce, and I found myself believing her, recalling something I had read about certain tarantulas consuming greens. But then came the day she announced its demise.
“Oh, it died?” I inquired.
A lie or imagination
Later, when her mother arrived to pick her up, I mentioned that I’d heard their tarantula had passed away.
“A tarantula?” her mother echoed, wide-eyed. «We’ve never had a tarantula, and we never will,» she declared firmly.
There had never been a tarantula. That incident served as a great lesson working with that age group.
«What we adults might perceive as a lie could just as easily be a figment of imagination for children», but it is not the same case with adults, is it?
Last year, I worked as a resource teacher at a school, where my role involved assisting students who needed extra support as well as teaching arts and crafts, dance, and movement classes. I found joy in interacting with various classes and observing how different teachers engaged with their students. There’s so much to learn just by watching.
One particular day, the topic in a 3rd-grade class was lying and ethics. Although discussing lying might seem abstract, it sparked a meaningful conversation about real-life situations. What constitutes a lie? Why do people lie, and when might it be acceptable to tell a harmless fib, like a white lie?
I had great admiration for that teacher, a recent graduate who had a class with many strong personalities. They were not the easiest to handle, but she managed it with impressive skill. I noticed her approach to discussing lying was likely another strategy to connect with them. In a class where conflicts were frequent, uncovering the truth wasn’t always straightforward. At the end of the hour, I asked her if she could give me an example of a white lie.
I don’t remember her answer verbatim, but it was like shielding someone from the truth if they didn’t look quite right or were wearing clothes that didn’t quite fit them. I didn’t quite buy the white lie idea, remembering my time working in a clothing store. In that job, I sometimes encountered ladies whose choice of clothes did not suit them, whether in color or shape. As a salesperson, I was supposed to sell, but I found it more compelling to communicate the truth in another way. Communication is an art. “What about trying these on?” I would usually ask, suggesting other clothes.
Different colors of a lie
Lying came to the center of my attention through falling crazily in love with a man who turned out to be a notorious liar. I stayed with him for a few years after my discovery, but the relationship was never the same. The trust was gone. In retrospect, I see how much I evolved as a woman in that relationship. I also discovered how vital honesty was to me in close relationships. After that relationship, I noticed how I had developed extra sharp ears for lies. I became obsessively interested in lies and that theme suddenly appeared in various settings.
I came across the HBO series “Big Little Lies” , and devoured it in one sitting. Then I watched a BBC documentary about lying. It was built upon interviews with people who revealed that they lied. The point of the documentary was somehow to pinpoint that lying was much more widespread in society than we thought. In other words, reality was completely different from my innocent perspective. It made me think of all the lies. Grey lies. Black lies or pink-green lies.
What color does a lie have, and how many colors can it have simultaneously? What defines its colors? What makes a lie a white one and where does that term come from?
How big does a lie need to be before it gets labeled by different colors? Where do we draw the line between imagination and a lie?
Why do we react when politicians lie, if lying is so widespread in society in general? Are they not just humans too ? A lie is a lie, right? As long as lying is somehow an accepted part of our societies, how can we demand that those in power do not lie?
I am excited to read your reflections on lies & lying.
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An interesting and thought provoking post. I dont have any answers but feel the need to ponder on your words
I like that you experienced the post as Thought-provoking, Brenda. Thanks for sharing it.
Your contemplation on lies, from your experiences with children to adult relationships, reflects deep insight into the nuances of deceit. The analogy of lies as colors underscores the complexity of dishonesty, while your questions about thresholds and societal acceptance provoke thought. Your emphasis on honesty and trust reveals their importance in shaping your worldview, prompting further exploration into truth and morality. Thank you for sharing your introspective journey.
Thank you for reading and sharing how you experienced the post, and what you are left with. yes, lying is a very complex but interesting topic in our human journey.
We don’t have to use a white lie. If someone asks “do I look fat in this dress” we could ask if that’s how they see it. I’ve been a white liar, and was recently offended by a story shared about a white lie to make someone feel better… a concocted false good report. It was a red flag in the consideration of a friendship. I want the Truth, and the wisdom that comes from learning to deal with it.
It takes a good portion of courage and self-awareness to see what one is doing.
«I want the Truth, and the wisdom that comes from learning to deal with it.» Yes, me too. Dealing with it (whatever it is) is the perfect way of saying it.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
Oh boy—I can relate to this on so many levels—from selling clothes to men with bad taste in neckties to a lying, cheating husband whose antics made me question my own sanity. My sensitivity to lie detection has all added up to my intense determination to never embellish the truth to make someone feel better. Instead, I think long and hard about a response to a difficult question and try to figure out how to speak the truth gently with kindness and love. Sometimes it takes a day or two before I feel comfortable with how to handle a sticky situation, but giving myself a little time to allow a good solution to its work way to the surface of my consciousness always pays off. When put on the spot for an answer, my response is usually, “Hmmm. I need to think about that for a little while. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” I get some peculiar looks, but come morning, I always have an answer that feels genuine, truthful, and most importantly, good. Clearly, that strategy doesn’t work when selling neckties or dresses to women who worry about looking fat, but redirecting attention to something more suitable works—like exchanging a dangerous object from a child’s hand to something safer. Thank you for an eye opening post and the reminder that Truth Rules—if only we have the courage to find out what that is and the ability to deliver it with love—not just to others, but to ourselves.
I also relate a lot to all your sharing.
I like your way of handling a difficult situation by simply buying yourself time to think about the response when you are faced with a situation.
There are so many things about lying that are so disturbing.
In my everyday work with children, the only thing I try to get them to understand is that if they don’t tell the truth, it will be very difficult for me to know whether what they say the next second is true or not. I know I can’t do more than that, but I always hope that I have sown a seed of honesty.
In my opinion, so much of the evil in the world would have evaporated if we were honest with ourselves and others. Thank you so much for sharing so much from your experience. I really enjoyed reading it.
This story reminded me of my granddaughter, when she was three or four, who in response to “Where is your Daddy?” answered: “Dead”. He was not dead, but he was also not in her life. I understood it as her need to come up with a tidy answer, and it certainly won her sympathy.
VJ, I am smiling here from ear to ear. Thank you for sharing this sweet story of your granddaughter, even though it must have been a Longing in the statement of the «dead Dad»
Kids are just awesome and they have their own imaginative way of dealing with reality of life.
Yes, they do!
One of my three granddaughters used to tell tall tales when she was little too, and looking back, I think that it was a function of a creative imagination. Her two sisters are scientifically inclined, but the tale-teller has become an artist, Appalachian Trail hiker, massage therapist, dog walker. adventurer. We needn’t have worried—but your young charges are fortunate to have a sensitive teacher who understands and can help redirect their imaginings toward a path of truth. It’s a good work you are doing! What a better world it would be without lies—particularly among politicians!
Julia🙏❤️, you are right, it is for sure a tine line between so many aspects of life. Lie & imagination, Sanity & insanity, etc. By the way, the Appalachian trail is on my bucket list.
Wow, what an interesting discussion on lies, Parisa. You’ve covered so many interesting angles.
I think the ones that most perplex me are the things that the person telling them truly believes but are not true. These seem to be the most destructive to me because it is so hard to reconcile a coming together.
Thanks for a great and thoughtful post!
One could write a whole dissertation on lying, or all the feelings that are behind it, right Wynne? And it can be approached, exactly as you point out, from so many different angles.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Wynne!
Very interesting topic! You know Parisa that also our memory lies to us? We remember what we want and how we want! So, no surprise if we lie! My question would be “how can we trust each other yet“? Crisbiecoach (I signed here because I never know if my comments are under my account when I use my mobile).
That is also true. Is what we remember the reality? Very good point, indeed.