Well friends, grab a drink and make a sandwich before you read this one. It’s longer than usual and is more of a personal journal entry than anything else. Hopefully, readers will find some value in it for themselves, even if it’s just as a cure for insomnia!
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I never cared how old I was. In fact, I often needed my wife to confirm my answer when somebody asked me my age. Age was just a number. I felt great. I was in great shape. People said I looked a good bit younger than I actually was. I was surrounded by people I love and activities that really interested me.
To top things off, I quit my full time teaching job at age 49 and began learning how to make a half decent living doing things I love (music) while enjoying lots of free time and total control over my schedule. Booyah!
Then came my 50th birthday.
It was amusing, but I didn’t care. On I went….
Then came Covid.
Fortunately, my loved ones and I escaped serious illness, but other than the threat of getting sick, that weird Covid period offered a lot of positives in terms of re-prioritizing how we spend our time and who we spend it with. I was also lucky to be financially stable during that time. Overall, I still felt really good.
I was 51, but I still didn’t really care about my age.
Due to multiple financial stimulus checks issued by the US government during Covid, and the overall slow-down of work life that remained from the Covid period, my family was able to rent a nice house at the beach for an entire month. Booyah again!
We had an outstanding time, and I realized that as driven as I am to achieve my goals, I can be equally at ease with having no goals at all.
I turned 52 a few weeks after we returned home. It was 2021.
And that’s when I began to care about my age.
It wasn’t really about the number. It was more about the way I started to feel.
How did I feel?
Busy. Really busy!
So called “gig workers” like me were pretty well shut down during the pandemic. As a musician, there were hardly any concerts, weddings, parties, events, or people gathered to have a good time. Everything got postponed….
Until the summer of ’21.
July of 2021 started a tidal wave of activity as the world really began to embrace a return to pre-covid life. There were weddings, parties and gatherings all the time. People started scheduling things on unusual days of the week in order to get them on the schedule at all.
It was nuts!
Like my other gig worker friends, I grabbed my surfboard and vowed to ride the wave until it eventually fizzled out.
I was still 52, loving the high-energy return to activities, and still feeling great. I set goals again and got to work. My calendar was full of gigs and personal projects.
When we got back to the rented beach house in 2022, I was dead tired. The world had returned enough to normal that we could only afford to stay for the usual one week. It had been a crazy year. I was doing a ton of everything I loved to do.
But as I got more tired, I began to enjoy and appreciate it all a bit less. I resolved to chill out a bit, take care of myself, maybe even slow down a tad.
But the post covid wave still hadn’t crashed, so I kept riding. I started to wonder if I was too old for “surfing” like this.
As 2022 rolled into 2023 and got even busier, I tried to manage myself better.
In many ways, I did. But in some ways I didn’t.
By the time we rented the beach house for a week in 2023, I was pretty happy, only somewhat tired, and mostly relaxed- or so I thought.
I don’t think I eliminated stress or became better at managing it that year. I think I just ended up allowing it to morph from one form to another.
Even though my wife and I had been empty nesters since the covid “lockdown” ended, it suddenly felt like something new, despite us staying well connected to our daughters and seeing them fairly often.
I was still tired, but I wasn’t forcing myself to keep up with my running and fitness routines because at times, they seemed to be an added stressor- just one more thing to get done each day. In retrospect, this was a mistake I intend not to repeat.
I gained 15 pounds.
Instead of scoffing at my friends who view themselves as “too old to kick ass”, I started wondering if my best days were behind me.
“What do I do now?” I thought. My kids have moved out. I quit my teaching career. My music life is becoming so intense that it’s pretty stressful at times. I’m out of shape and overweight.
I seem to have aged a fair amount in the past 5 years. My beard is now almost totally gray. I don’t move as well as I used to. I don’t have the consistent energy I’m used to having.
I’m 54. Unlike just a few years ago, I am well aware that I’m 54.
People have taken to calling me sir lately instead of younger terms like, “bro” or “man”. On our local sledding hill, I now notice that I’m the oldest one out there. I also notice my heavy breathing after climbing up the hill each time.
All of these things are ingredients in my current mental entree of self-doubt, served with an unhealthy side of worrying about what life will be like as an elderly man; what will go wrong, and what I won’t be able to do anymore.
“C’mon man! Those days haven’t come yet!” I tell myself.
I think I’m right, yet I don’t quite feel it, so I’m not quite sure if I believe it.
A longer view of my wellness history would indicate that I am right on course for the periodic problem I seem to have every five or so years.
The equation is standard: lack of physical fitness + activity overload + self-pressure = mental weakness and a damaged outlook on life.
Fortunately, I think I know how to return to my best self. As I said, I seem to be in my normal cycle. I began trying to reclaim myself a few weeks ago with better eating, easing into the exercise habits I used to enjoy, and returning to the sledding hill after a 2 year snow drought in my town.
I’m still working on deciding what I want my schedule to look like, developing better sleeping routines, focusing on the reality that I can still do everything I could do 2 years ago, and being grateful for that as long as it lasts.
And, in case I need a steroid shot of “age doesn’t matter” inspiration, I’m going to revisit this article about one of my running/aging heroes: Fauna Singh.
Singh began running at age 89- that’s right- 89! He ran his first marathon in his 90’s and continued running past his 100th birthday. He’s currently 112 years old.
I wonder if he worries about how old he is, or if he even knows.
Follow Wise & Shine for more stories from our talented staff. You can also visit Todd’s personal Five O’Clock Shadow blog. For more on Todd as a musician, visit toddfulginiti.com
I’m now 69 and if I went o to the neighbour Room and still know for what reason, I am glad. Life at 69 is not about living as 49. That would be Stress.
I like that- thanks for commenting 😎
Look Todd, of course aging is inevitable, but you are coping well. Take the positive sides. You quit a job that you didn’t like any more and now you are doing what you like, you can go on vacation one week, and you have your wife next to you. And your daughters will always be there, even if you don’t share the same roof! Just practice a bit more of sport and you will become like Singh!
Thanks Cristiana- I appreciate your encouragement! Singh is a beast! 🤯 I’m all for being as much like him as possible!
Oh, this is so good, Todd. You illustrate the cycle so well. I just read a great book by Dr. Peter Attia called Outlive. He talks about how to extend our “healthspan” in addition to our lifespan and he covers from a research perspective what we need to target for the elements you mention here – nutrition, exercise, and mental health. I’d say from the perspective of also being 54, you have nailed the landscape so well in this piece.
Thanks Wynne- I appreciate your perspective as a fellow 54er! I’m going to get that book- it sounds like a great read.
Todd, I am so glad you are kicking the 50s ass. I have a couple years on you. When I hit 50 it was a party, it was the greatest thing. At 55 the realization that I was on the downward slide to 60 hit me. I felt fine, life was good. Now 60 is 3 months away and I try to stay up late just so I sleep less just to enjoy the 50s more plus the bigger issue is the realization that I am gonna retire in 6-7 years! Holy Shit, I’ll be old enough to retire!
Haha that sounds great Danny! Here’s to the 60’s being at least as much fun as the 50’s! 🍻 And retirement? Hell yeah! 🍻
I will be 78 on Sunday and am feeling really good. It seems that there are different seasons for each age jump….I remember that 50 was a bit of a shock….but in hind sight the key is to keep fit, recognise that life really is a journey and an adventure….and make sure to do something you love. I have been a working artist for fifty years and I know it’s what keeps me sane and alive. 🙂
This seems like outstanding advice- thank you and thanks for reading Janet! 🙂
I love your honest descriptions of how cyclical our feelings about age, goals, achievement vs. leisure can be. I feel like I do the same thing every few months…especially when a “new on the scene” ache or pain surfaces. Push through? Pull back? I dunno. What know for sure is that your thoughts are relatable and that’s a good thing. I’m glad I’ve got company! 🥰
Thanks Victoria- I appreciate the company! It’s good to know I’m not alone 🙂
You bet! 🥰😎🥰
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Have to confess, I smiled as I read this. We all think we are invincible, until we are not. I’d say you are doing just fine.
Thanks VJ! 🙂
Thank you for sharing. I’m 51 and also trying to grapple with what being in my fifties should look like. Also trying to reconstitute the best version of myself. Good luck, bro!
🙂 Thanks BBeez- same to you and thanks for reading!
Todd, thanks for an honest lovely post. It’s so nice to put a face to ageing and what it does to us. Nor does it get any better that we live in an age-phobic society.
I personally think that all such inner crises (or what makes us stop and ask ourselves some good deep existential questions) always help to adjust the course. The course of our lives.
Again, thank you for this post. There are several of us who notice the age, although the themes for each one may be different. Giving that theme a face is great.
Thanks for reading Parisa- I appreciate it! I like what you said about deep questions helping us to adjust our course- that’s a great way to describe what I need to do. Thanks!
Hi Todd. I echo the sentiments of many others. Thinking back a couple of years, I think I was at the same stage as you. Suddenly aware of my age and how the aches and pains were creating up. It does bring to the fore the importance of a good diet, exercise – even if its just stretching and yoga in the morning to waken up my body. I think we also start to reflect on what’s important to us, maybe refocusing our energies. You’re already doing that as you’ve moved out of the classroom. I’m still in the classroom, but starting to wonder about cutting my hours. I do still enjoy my work but there are other things in life I wany to make time for too.
I think you’ve got the right mindset/attitudes and you’ll figure out what’s right for you and how much pressure/stress you’re willing to accept in your life
Thanks Brenda- starting the day with yoga really makes me feel good- I’m currently trying to re-establish that habit. I’m glad you still like classes- doing what you love is super important of course 🙂
I see some colleagues who don’t seem to enjoy being in the class. I wonder why they do the job – I can’t imagine its the best environment for their students either.
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I hope the you overcome the stress you’re feeling about yourself. The moment you relax, you’ll feel better
Thanks Sadje- writing about it helped! 🙂
You’re welcome
A wonderfully insightful post! ☀️✍️🤗💕✨
Thanks very much for reading! 🙏
Hey Todd. There are days when I feel this. I’m turning 60 this year. YIKES and DOUBLE YIKES! How did that happen? Research has shown that a positive mindset toward aging can increase your life expectancy. I think you have all the basics. You just need to figure out the right balance and a new normal. I have confidence you will do it!
Thanks Michele- balance seems to be they key! 😎Happy Birthday in advance! 🎉
Thanks Todd!
At 83 this did not become an issue for me until lately but I have discovered a new world. It is the place where I can explore more new things. I live in a wonderful Independent Living place and love the interaction with others whose lives have been diverse and fascinating. I have learned so much and had my mind expanded. Growing every day is now my passion. Life is good.
What a great lesson- thanks for sharing that!
It sounds like stress to me too, Todd. Glad to hear you’re headed into a re-balancing.
Thanks SeekerFive- I seem to struggle with this balancing act more often than I’d like to admit.
That previous comment was me. (“It sounds like stress to me too, Todd. Glad to hear you’re headed into a re-balancing.”)
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Though provoking and engaging post, Todd. Your post inspires us to be better! Life is constantly changing and staying on the move is the key to stay healthy.
Great advice- thank you for reading!