The mom of one of my dearest friends passed away recently. I’ve known this family for almost 50 years, so she was like a second mom to me as well. Because her death was expected, I’d been dancing with grief for a couple of weeks before it actually happened. But even so, when I heard the news, a heaviness settled onto me.
It was sadness that this amazing woman was gone. But it was also empathy for my friend and her family. And then that touched the deep ache I feel missing my beloved father. Then I experienced a tinge of guilt thinking about my own experience when they are the ones grieving. By this time in life, when I feel something deep and rooted such as grief it’s like a string of Christmas lights – plug it in and they all light up.
In the past, I would have coped by trying to throw this string of Christmas lights into a bin with all my other strings of unsorted Christmas lights. When tossed in with the string that is all my unfinished tasks and pressures related to work, and the string that is all the feelings I have about what I’m doing or not doing well with family, what could go wrong?
Wait – that was a rhetorical question – don’t answer it. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou
But fortunately, now I cope through writing. I write it out. I wrote a tribute to this delightful second mom, this piece about not letting things get tangled, even just a list of the things I want to do to embody from those I grieve for. Putting words to all of these things helps me to untangle the string of lights so that I can put it away in some order.
As I stumble along putting sentences together, it helps me to feel along the chain to find the power source.
Finding the right word is akin to testing all the light bulbs along the way. I get to try many choices but only the right fit will light up.
The process about writing about my experience slows me down so that I am mindful of what is meaningful to me.
Sure, I feel it more when I write about it, whatever it is that is my current string of lights. That makes it a difficult practice at times. I have to overcome my resistance to leaning in to discover what I’m wrestling with. But when I do, I find my lights shine brighter.
Because it’s not that I won’t ever use this string of lights attached to the beautiful memory of my second mom again. It’s that I want to be untangled enough so that when I am reminded of her, I don’t find myself yelling at my kids, or yanking the dog’s leash in frustration because I haven’t sorted out that I’m sad.
That’s what writing helps me do. What about you?
I’ve republished one of my all-time favorite posts on my personal blog: My Love Affair With Words
Please check out these other items of interest:
More about Wynne Leon and her story-telling journey
Workshop about creativity jump start that I delivered with Dr. Vicki Atkinson
Speaking and workshops on leadership through creativity to build resilient teams
Podcast about the how and why of creativity
Articles and corporate creativity resources
Corporate evaluate your team needs for creativity
Individual creativity survey for individuals
My book about my journey to find what fueled my dad’s indelible spark and twinkle can be found on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith.
You can find me on Instagram and Twitter @wynneleon
(featured photo from Pexels)
Absolutely, writing is a forum for processing. What feels so unsettling and explosive inside can be eased through stringing those words together.
“What feels so unsettling and explosive inside can be eased through stringing those words together.” – Said so well, VJ!
😊
I’m with VJ. Writing DOES help to untangle the complexities. And in some cases, I find it helps me by slowing things down, to fully consider all of what I might be feeling and thinking – not just the pesky emotions that invariably rise to the top of my awareness first – in response to stress, loss, anger. Thank you, Wynne! 💕
Slowing things down – right! I’m forever needing that help! Thanks, dear friend!
🥰🥰🥰
“Finding the right word is akin to testing all the light bulbs along the way. I get to try many choices but only the right fit will light up.” Wow!! Writing is such a great tool for untangling and processing our emotions.
Oh, what a lovely comment. Thanks, Erin!
What a great analogy Wynne! That last full paragraph is especially perfect. Beautiful post!
I had to laugh at the Maya Angelou quote. As I read it, I remembered de-decorating the house yesterday and my battle with some seriously uncooperative Christmas lights.
Ah well- two out of three ain’t bad… 🙃
I’m chuckling, Todd! Well, you are a good sport regardless of those uncooperative lights. 🙂
I have been hearing more death news, close friends and family. Maybe we are at the age that we have people dying of old age. Yet the process is hard! Sorry for your loss.
I think you are right about being at that age, Ganga. Thank you for your kind comment!
Yes, for me lately the processing is flowing out in Poem. It is a very interesting experience. They come just like channelling and how interesting that you write about the emotion of grief while I wrote a Poem about death recently. Life and death…
Ah, poetry is especially potent, I’d imagine. And such interesting synchronicity, Parisa!
I like how you describe writing as similar to checking lightbulbs along the strand. And I’m glad that writing helps you process emotions and happenings.
Thanks, Dave! Mind you, I’d much prefer to sit down and try out my words than actually sort out a strand of physical lights but I guess I’ve done it enough to find the similarity. 🙂
Sending you and your friends lots of love. I’m sorry for your loss ❤️
Thank you, Belle!
Sorry for your loss Wynne. For sure she will live in your memories and in all the things you have learned from her.
Thank you, Cristiana!
I have also friend who lost her mother just before Christmas… but I wasn’t as close with her morher as you were with your friends mother. I did know him to some extent, but I’m mourning more for my friend. Thoughts also arise about the losses of my own family members. I can easily empathize with her grief. We had just talked about how both our mothers happened to be in the same care facility, and how her mother, too, had deteriorated. My own mother has recently declined significantly as well. It’s disheartening. It seems this is what middle age is about – constantly receiving sad news. One truly and authentically understands the fragility/limitations of life only through the loss of those closest to us, as my friend also acknowledged.
Such a relatable comment. Yes, it does seem to be a part of middle age to process these losses and declines. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Strength and endurance to you! ❤️
What a lovely wish. And strength and endurance to you too!
I’m so sorry for this painful loss Wynne, and you are right, when we bury our grief, or fail to untangle those complicated emotions, they will surface in ways we don’t want or need, especially with the kids and the dog. You are so wise. I use writing as a way of figuring myself out. We have both discussed how our posts have a energy all their own, often taking off in unexpected directions, only to circle around, and bring a message home that I needed to hear most. I’ll be holding you in prayer, losing a Mom, even a second Mom is difficult indeed, the umbilical connection is tricky. Hugs to you my friend, be good to you, love C
What a comforting and insightful comment, as always, dear Cheryl. Yes, they bring the message I need to hear most. Thank you for your wonderful empathy and hugs!
Sorry for you loss Wynne. Sounds like she was an amazing woman. Thank you though for writing about your feeling. “The process about writing about my experience slows me down so that I am mindful of what is meaningful to me.” I was thinking about this issue today. I’m so in need of “slowing me down” to help empty the thoughts swirling in my head and give perspective on what’s important to me. I’ll get there, but feel grateful now to be able to put my these thoughts to words. Thank you!!!!!!!