Capricorn – You’re going through some challenges right now, but the experience you gain weathering them will serve you well for the flat out atrocities that you’ll be soon facing.
Pisces – You’ll personify the dual nature of all Pisces when your affable, easy-going nature during your waking hours gives way to a brutal, sadistic bloodlust you’ll constantly yield to during the fugue stake that will pass for your sleeping hours.
Aries – The long, gray winter doldrums you’ve felt will give way to a sunnier, warmer outright despair.
Taurus – Your plans to start jogging as the weather warms will suffer a setback as you inexplicably become persistently incontinent. It will also affect any other plans you might have had, as well as your career and relationships.
Gemini – Your concerted effort to stop the vexing habit of referring to everyone as, “Dude” will pay dividends, although your choice to call everyone, regardless of race or ethnicity, one of several anti-Italian slurs will prove even more problematic.
Cancer – Your most treasured personal relationship will undergo a change in the weeks to come due to your Parole Officer’s forced resignation.
Leo – You’ll be counted on as a source of emotional support for several loved ones in the days to come, and there’s not a goddamned thing you can do about it.
Virgo – The stars apologize that your spring horoscope prediction will not arrive until late June due to supply chain issues.
Libra – That persistent inner voice who’s always told you that you have what it takes to persevere will finally reveal it’s been screwing with you the whole time.
Scorpio – Your new podcast, “Things That Taste Like Carrots,” will hit a wall about three minutes into its inaugural episode, forcing you to admit that all of your months of planning was spent in vain.
Sagittarius – You will finally experience the peace and stillness you’ve been searching for. However, you won’t really recall any of it due to the coma.
Aquarius – We’re placing you out of order here, which will serve as a source of perspective in the days to come when you reflect that you had the energy and privilege to be upset about something like this.