Aries – You’ve always loathed slasher films like Friday the 13th because you feel they are, “utterly implausible.” That won’t be a critique you’ll ever level again by month’s end.

Taurus – The stars don’t wish to squelch your creative spirit, but at the same time, they’re urging you to reconsider your choice to quit your job to focus on your newest brainchild. Because honestly, what the hell is a “Hybrid Improv Troupe-Billy Joel Tribute Band” supposed to be? How would that even work?

Gemini – You’ll get to relish the sweet feeling of public vindication when, after years of your spouse, friends, and family implying you’re crazy for your beliefs, you’re proven correct! In fact, if anything, you’ve underestimated how many people your spouse has been banging.

Cancer – Do you ever feel weird about the fact your astrological sign is also the name of one of the cruelest and mostly deadly diseases known to humanity, “The Emperor of All Maladies”? The stars have always wanted to know, because they think that probably sucks for you. And since the only prediction they for you this month is, “Someone insufferable will try to sound smart by referring to cancer as ‘The Emperor of Maladies,” they thought this would be a good time to ask.

Leo – Emily Dickinson once poetically called Hope, “The thing with feathers.” Try to keep that as a sort of mantra to help you stay optimistic as your body inexplicably starts growing a protruding beak and wings.

Virgo – The final omen has made itself known and The Great Culling for which you’ve prepared for so many years, and at such great cost, is at hand. Don’t forget to pack a light snack!

Libra – Dude, the stars feel so embarrassed, they totally flaked and forgot to do yours this time and the place we need to go for the stuff they need to do it is closed,they think. Although – wait. They’re gonna look it up and double check they’re if they’re not right about that. It’s just been the week from hell. One of the stars is going through some really bad – oh crap, sorry, that place is closed. Our bad. Don’t be angry!!

Sagittarius – You will discover you suddenly developed a sudden and unparalleled genius for music. A musical gift that would have left Mozart in awe. However, neither you nor the rest of the world will ever hear a note of it because of your lifelong aversion to making the slightest goddamned effort at anything.

Scorpio – Hey there, Tiger, how are you feeling? Actually, don’t answer that. Anyhoo, the stars predict that everything is going to be ok, really great, they promise, and you’re going to be happy, so amazingly happy, just like you’ve always made us. Did you know you that? They want you to not worry about little things like laundry or paying your mortgage and treat yourself like you’re a rockstar, because that’s how they’ll always remember you. So splurge, eat that fatty dessert, although your appetite probably isn’t good at this point. Just go outside and breathe in life. Now. Like right this second. You are so freaking brave.

Capricorn – Your hard work and discipline finally pay off this month as you collectively win the tightly contested special election for City Comptroller of Modesto, California. However, you will all hand in your resignations three weeks later when it becomes clear the job title proves not to be nearly as sexually compelling to most people as it’s always been for you.

Pisces – You’ve always been a little skeptical about the notion that the arts can change people’s understanding of the world, but you’ll happily admit it can, if not always in the ways you think, when you watch the Pixar animated classic “Cars” with your transfixed six-year-old son. Looking at his look of pure awe and wonder, from that day forward, you will be convinced cars are sentient, have their own culture, and are actively plotting our demise.

Aquarius – If you think you deserve the benefit of cosmic wisdom of the stars after the way you behaved last Saturday at Sheila’s you’ve got another thing coming.