By Jack Canfora
Last week, Kevin McCarthy was finally elected Speaker of the House, but not before making some stunning concessions to the furthest Right Wing caucus of the Far Right GOP House. Many are known, but here are a few which seem to have escaped public scrutiny thus far:
1) He must man an omelette station in his office for the majority every Wednesday morning, but is forbidden from eating any omelettes himself. This includes Wednesdays when Congress is not in session.
2) He is banned from watching any work by Oscar-winning filmmaker Ang Lee while Speaker (This applies to both Lee’s previous films and any movies he may make during McCarthy’s tenure. The Taiwanese director’s trademark meticulous camera work and uncanny ability to deconstruct the tensions between personal desires and social constructs is the only thing left that allows McCarthy to feel anything resembling human connection).
3) He must take a shot of Jäegermeister any time anyone on the House floor says the phrase “Our Founding Fathers.”
4) Twice weekly, he must report, in writing, to the Freedom Caucus, any of his impure thoughts.
5) He must subpoena all of his former partners and have a them testify in public before a House subcommittee precisely how he failed to satisfy their physical and emotional needs. There will be charts.
6) He must convene each session not with a tap of the Speaker’s gavel, but with an a Capella rendition of a Pink Floyd song chosen by spinning a giant wheel behind the Speaker’s chair.
7) He is now Matt Gaetz’s allibi.
8) He agreed to undergo hypnosis which now renders him incapable of hearing the word “constitutional” without experiencing an uncontrollable urge to urinate.
9) He must, during any official pronouncements as Speaker, talk in a high-pitched, nasal Cockney accent.
10) His official Twitter handle is now @bitchslappedspeaker