Provided by Scherezade Ozwulo from Scherezade’s Labyrinth
Property of Scherezade Ozwulo
How many of us had a true apology? How did you feel after? Was it worth the energy of the offender to offer?
Reading one of those damned “Dear…” letters, a letter writer wrote about petty passive aggression within the confines of four walls aka roomie drama; instead of being neutral, the LW (letter writer) chose sides, which is a no-no.
Whenever sharing space with others, should getting involved in gossip girl antics ever be a good idea. Living in silence and walking on egg shells around one another is no bueno and hella uncomfortable.
Fast forward, the offended moves out; the LW who still lives within the apartment and talks with the two other offenders, feels horrible guilt for the way they treated the offended. Hence the reason for the letter, LW wants to apologize to the one who was hurt.
The advice columnist named Prudence, gave caution when giving apology to one who has been ganged up on. One reply to Prudence’s answer was from a person who was apologized to by an ex-friend- “I felt like all it did was clear their conscience…” but the commenter ended with a true statement “Because ultimately, her life was affected—she had to move—due to your behavior. You can’t change that it happened.“
My advice:
Friendship is one of those relationships where it carries just as much weight as marriage or a significant other because people are sharing parts of themselves (directly or indirectly) they wouldn’t share with an aquaintenace and in some cases family members. Shared intimacy is what makes friendship so important.
We’ve all seen movies about best friends moving in together after graduating high school and living fantastic lives of single people or dealing with adversity together; we (introverts) all went “awww, I would love to find compatible friends like that.” There’s a chance, a good friend is found; a blessing if a great friend were found, but more than likely frenemies will be in the mix before getting to at least good friends.
But before finding those/that good friend/great friend, you have to know how to handle yourself around messy people; don’t get entangled in their mess. If ever living with them, stay neutral.
Apologies takes courage. Forgiveness is a driver for the apology. One has to desire (not want) forgiveness to drive them to apologize. In Christianity, we are told to forgive others, but truthfully, humanly, that is hard to do. Sometimes, hurt takes precedence and can drive our decision making. There are those who are forgiving people and there are those who take little convincing and then there are those who just don’t forgive, period. Apologies can’t be forced.
Personally, apologizing takes courage, and because of this, I appreciate one if it’s sincere. If the offender is truthful about their role and what they learned from it. Sincerity and a learning experience is what drives my forgiveness. Yes, it also depends on what was done to hurt the offended, some things you can’t apologize for or expect forgiveness- in those cases, it’s just best to move on.
So, I ask again: apologies are for who? What’s the purpose of an apology if it doesn’t come sincerity?
Empty words.
Sone empathy wisdom: The thing about empty words is it can make the receiver of those words feel just as empty.
Originally posted on Scherezade’s Labyrinth