A new goal of mine is to leave earlier than on-time. To be clear, this isn’t a “do more, be better, push yourself,” self-improvement culture type of thing. If anything, it’s about doing just a little less, in order to have a lot less distress, and it’s the result of a quite specific quality-of-life insight.
Surely most, if not all of us, have obligations which require leaving by a certain time in order not to arrive late. If you’re like me, you’re often a bit of a scrambler; you tend not to give yourself quite enough time to get ready, with the result that you set off late or under-prepared, and in a state of some tension and hurry.
Part of my difficulty has been losing track of time, or under-estimating the time I need. This is to some extent neurological, to some extent a lack of strategy. Because of this, for a long time I really struggled to make it to work on time at all. I usually left late and cut it very close. But during this past year, I put some strategies in place which improved this a great deal. For at least several months, I’ve most often left on time, or only a little late, and I almost always arrive at work with a safe margin of time now. It’s a small thing, but it’s also a big thing. I feel happy about accomplishing it, and am less worried and more confident about my ability to sustain this basic but crucial thing.
Yet that’s not the real story here. Besides attempting to improve time management, I’ve been attending to my day-to-day experience, in the sense of light but continual mindful awareness. Actually, “continual” isn’t something I’m capable of yet, but I do manage moments throughout the day. So with something I do almost every day, something like driving to work, data does get collected over time, and eventually some insights do arise.
When I leave late, I have to drive very, well, let’s say “efficiently.” I do try very hard to be safe, yet I have to be very intently focused, assertive, and decisive, so that I can cover the distance as quickly as possible (without recklessness). In this state of mind, any obstacle is much more likely to trigger anxiety and irritation. And I end up arriving to work in this overly-intense mental and emotional space.
When I leave on time, there is still some need to drive with some efficiency, but there is much less urgency. I can be closer to relaxed, “obstacles” which slow me are less significant, even if it’s still difficult to be entirely relaxed about them. It feels responsible and competent, and it’s a much better experience than leaving late.
But there have been some days I’ve happened to leave earlier than on-time. These are an interesting experience. The “extra” time feels luxurious as I walk to the car and get ready to leave. If I want to I can take some time to look though music before leaving, or pause and gather myself for a minute. I can take each step at the natural pace, not an enforced quicker-than-natural pace. I realize as I begin to drive that there isn’t a need to hurry, that I don’t need to feel anxious about obstacles. And then, after I’ve been driving for a while, I realize my mind, my feelings, my body have forgotten this. They are anxious about getting through this light, irritated that I had to slow down for something, worried about how quickly I will complete the transit.
And then, I remember: I have a luxury of minutes. I don’t need to feel these things, I don’t need to get ahead of this other driver, I don’t need to make this light. I have to exert some strong intentional willpower to change how I’m driving, and how I’m thinking and feeling about the drive; it’s so habitually ingrained, it’s become my autopilot. But it’s so, so much better to have the luxury of minutes.
I don’t want to have the experience of leaving late every day, and now, I don’t even want the experience of leaving merely on-time. I want the luxury of leaving earlier than on-time! I’m not there yet, but I will be, and it’s going to be great.
Have you had similar experiences?
SeekerFive creates expressive photographic art at matthewvphoto.redbubble.com.
He also creates visual art and designs under his Leaf Town brand at society6.com/leaftown.
Images by (and property of) SeekerFive unless otherwise indicated.