The other day I made a comment off-handedly and the recipient said, “Oh, that’s so nice.” I didn’t like that compliment. Yes, I realize it’s not nice of me to judge a comment about being nice. Upon reflection, it’s because I don’t like the sound of me when I’m doing nice. And believe me, as a former sorority girl, I can do nice!
Here’s how I see the difference:
Nice: Off-handed bromides about someone’s appearance
Kind: Genuinely complimenting something you like about someone else
Nice: Sunniness
Kind: Warmth from within
Nice: Saying what someone else wants to hear
Kind: Listening to what needs to be said
Nice: Wishing someone a nice day
Kind: Mustering an internal energy to blow love, safety and warmth in the path of another
Nice: Holding the door open
Kind: Walking with others across thresholds that are challenging for them
Nice: Wearing a mask
Kind: Dropping your pretend mask so that you can been seen
Nice: Offering platitudes so that get you something
Kind: Exhibiting an expansiveness that allows you to give something
Nice: Walking away from a conversation in order to avoid conflict
Kind: Authentically showing up to a relationship so that it can grow
Nice: Something that brings a smile to your face
Kind: An experience that gives you goosebumps all over
Look, I’d take nice over a punch in the face – but what I really am blown away with is kindness. For me kind starts on the inside and bubbles forth in an unstoppable force of love.
As a reformed nice person, I have to work at switching to kindness but when I get it right, it’s the sort of effort that boomerangs right back at me. When I get it wrong and someone calls me nice, I’m learning to hear it as a reminder that I’m probably swimming in the shallow end of my sincerity and expansiveness and need to go deeper.
Do you have any thoughts on nice versus kind or am I the only one with this hang up?
For more posts like this – a little story-telling mixed with philosophy, please visit my personal blog at https://wynneleon.wordpress.com or follow me on Instagram @wynneleon
And please follow our Wise & Shine Instagram account: @wise_and.shine and Twitter account @wise_nd_shine so we can connect there!
Wowza…right there with you — and THIS? So perfect:
“When I get it wrong and someone calls me nice, I’m learning to hear it as a reminder that I’m probably swimming in the shallow end of my sincerity and expansiveness and need to go deeper.” As you said, nice is better than a wallop (verbal or otherwise) but still…if THAT’s all you’ve got? Move along…I like depth, too, and agree that “nice” can be a cordial, phoning-it-in default.
xo, Wynne! 😘
Oh, Vicki, you get me!! Yes, better than a wallop but you put it perfectly – it’s phoning it in. Love how you say, “move along…” Thank you my kind friend!
xo!
You’re definitely not the only one with this hang-up, if that’s what it is. As Vicki said, the “nice” things can be a default, but they can come across as condescending and/or fake.
I love your genuine-ness, Wynne. And that’s not just me being nice. 😉
Oh, I’m laughing about your compliment, Kendra! Now that’s one I will happily take my friend! Glad it’s not just me because if you and Vicki agree, I’m in good company!
Wow, I love this Wynne! Thanks for raising my awareness of nice vs. kind. Your comments make me want to bat for the other team — big time! What a great blog. Thanks!!
Julia, you always know exactly what to say. And you seem to always be swimming in the deep and kind end of the pool. Thank you, my friend!
How kind of you to day, Wynne. I never realized the ginormous difference between ‘nice’ and ‘kind’, but your blog really gives me pause to think long and hard about it. Nice is often armchair easy, just lip service, a “how ya’ doin'” phone call vs. an action oriented get up and deliver some chicken soup kind of thing. You’ve really given me some serious grist for the mill. Thanks so much! And thanks from the folks who will surely benefit as a result!
The moment I saw the title on my email. I rushed down here to comment. Lol! I’m with you on this one. As a reformed nice person, being called nice reminds me of a time were I lacked boundaries, foresight and behaved like a doormat. It’s a painful memory but a necessary one for growth. Now, I don’t speak until I am sure it’s from within. Also, when I am complimented as being nice, I sharply inhale. Then I assess the situation because I can be genuinely kind and someone would refer to that as being nice. However, I’m on the alert not to fall back to that title.
Oh, I love this comment, Obianuju. Especially, “It’s a painful memory but a necessary one for growth. Now, I don’t speak until I am sure it’s from within. Also, when I am complimented as being nice, I sharply inhale. Then I assess the situation because I can be genuinely kind and someone would refer to that as being nice.”
Your point that someone could refer to genuine kindness as “nice” is spot on. But also the painful memory but necessary for growth. Wowsa!
Thanks for rushing to add this great comment!
I totally felt this piece.
Thank you, Ke’Anna!
I had never really thought about the difference between kind and nice , but in reading your post-everything you said is true. Swimming in the shallow end of sincerity- what a great phrase 😎
Thanks, Todd! Glad you like the phrase – hearing it coming back at me in your comment just now made me like it too! 🙂
I agree with you wholeheartedly on the term ”nice”. I do not like to be called nice, it’s an insult
As non native English speaker, to me nice is something more formal, like when you say ‘have a nice day’. Kind sounds something more sincere. I learned a lot from your post Wynne, thank you!
How interesting to get your non-native English speaker take on it Cristiana! Your distinction makes sense.
Thanks, Amanda!
Anytime!
The word “nice” can have so many shades of meaning..It’s hard to take literally, although I’m sure it’s meant literally at times!
A very good point about the many shades of meaning!
WoW, enjoyed reading
Thanks, Shyamal!
I get the point of the post (we ought to go deeper than just the surface) but the differences described here aren’t mutually exclusive. Being nice and holding the door is an action and doesn’t preclude being kind to someone having a personal issue. A lot of the things called nice here are things you would do anyway if you have good manners.
Yes, Hetty, you have a good point. I’m not against any of the nice actions. As you said, they are good manners.
Brilliant post Wynne – you’ve given so many excellent examples. I think it’s a great distinction to make. 🙏
Thank you, AP2. I appreciate this lovely comment!
You said it plain and simple 👌
Thank you!