group of people sitting on white mat on grass field

Things No One Has Ever Said To Me

“You make it look so easy.”

“Could you tell us another piece of trivia?”

“Eyes were bigger than your stomach, eh?”

“What should I invest in?”

“But you dance so beautifully!”

“You have a mind like Aristotle’s, only funnier”

“Please, just ONE more song!”

“Your eyes…I can’t describe them precisely, but have you ever been on Diamond Head Beach at Sunrise? That’s the closest I can come”

“Why yes, I’d love to read your poetry!”

“Your take on contemporary issues is so fresh”

“I don’t find your near-pathological need to correct the grammar of sports announcers during the games even vaguely annoying”

“Nor, for that manner, do I find your use of ‘whom’ conversationally the least bit pretentious”

“I think it’s great when you call stuff that you’ve done as being ‘part of my journey.’”

“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe”

“You’re right: I was listening to my favorite musicians incorrectly. I no longer like them!”

“Dear Lord, you’re graceful”

“I’d gladly loan you money”

“Thanks for acting out whole scenes verbatim from ‘The Godfather’ that time I simply asked if you’d scene it before”

“My God, you’ve really hit upon something: the books IS often better than the movie!”

“I never thought quoting Monty Python was sexy, but then I met you.”

“Your empathy is an example to us all.”

“I have a quick question about car repair I want to run by you”

“Also, when you get a minute, I’d like your thoughts on the color pallet for my house”

“Yes, my rejection of your request to date me has haunted me daily ever since”

“You’ve talked me out of believing in astrology. Thank you.”

“You’ve talked me into believing in astrology. Thank you.”

“It’s incredible – you seem to never make a typo.”

“You always know what to say to make things not creepy and awkward at all!”

“Christmas just isn’t Christmas without your one man, three hour ‘A Christmas Carol!’”

“I took your advice at the end of your posts and followed you on Instagram and Twitter!”

Thank God the world of technology has caught up with my narcissistic needs! Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @jackcanfora

13 thoughts on “Things No One Has Ever Said To Me

    1. Oops – didn’t finish typing that one. I was going to say – Hilarious! I think you have mind like Aristotle, only funnier might be my favorite. Or the call my maybe one. Or the “part of my journey” one. So many great options to choose from. Thanks for the chuckle!

  1. Jack, I’d like to give you just a bit of advice. (I hope you don’t mind.) You really could benefit greatly by practicing your self-deprecation. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I really only have your best interests at heart.

Leave a Reply